Monday, December 14, 2009

Sanitary Sacrament

Last week several members noticed that Johnson kid sneezing over the bread tray, and looked on in horror as the Deacon continued to pass the tray of the sneezed-on bread to additional isles. Well, since Tuesday when the boy was diagnosed with swine flu, I’ve had calls from more than ten concerned members asking if germs can stay alive on blessed bread. I really don’t have an answer for the germs-on-holy-bread question, but this incident has prompted me to make some long-needed changes to our method of administering the sacrament to ensure a safe and sanitary forgiveness of sins.

So, here’s the plan (pending approval from The Stake Brethren):

Starting next week, sacrament preparation of the bread will begin with viewing the Priests and Deacons (via a live video feed shown on a wall-mounted LCD) performing a, ‘scrubbing-in’ procedure. This will be very similar to the procedure that we’re all familiar with from watching Grey’s Anatomy and E.R. They will use surgical-grade anti-bacterial soap with small brushes to scrub their hands and arms up to their elbows. Then, an also-sanitized adult assistant will help place protective rubber gloves on their hands, and a face mask to cover their mouth and nose.

While delivering the bread to the members, the Deacons will stand at the end of each row, and members will stand and individually file past them to receive the bread from the gloved-hand of a Deacon, then circle back around to their bench. This eliminates the health risk from all of the children’s unsanitary fingers rifling through the bread to get the biggest, non-crust pieces. And if a sneeze occurs, that Deacon and his tray will be retired for the day.

After partaking of the bread, the Priests will say the normal blessing on the water, but they will be blessing the water in the hallway drinking fountains. Sometime during the remainder of the Sunday services, each member can take a sanitary sip of water from the several fountains around the building at their leisure. There should be enough water in the tanks at the time of the blessing to last all the way through the week. Members can even grab a drink after playing basketball, with the added benefit of wiping the sin-slate clean of any offensive language used during the game (definitely a plus for Brother Markie).

Yours for a Sanitary Holiday Season,

Bishop Young

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Classic Mormon Art

After the holidays have past and the Christmas decorations have been taken down, we usually feel it's a good time to refresh our house decorations. Like all active Mormons, we like to fill some of our walls with familiar Mormon art, just in case some of The Brethren stop by to issue a promotion.

So, here are a few of the classics that we're considering. If you have some you'd like to suggest, please post a photo or link.

We prefer the smiley, pirate Jesus over the serious pirate Jesus. I just love the open collar and toothy-smile look. It makes me think Jesus is saying, 'Hey Bro, it's all good. Don't worry so much.':

Perhaps something truly unique to Mormons:

I picked out this gem, but Sister Young shot it down for some reason. Maybe I shouldn't have referred to it as, "Jesus goes all FLDS":