Mormons in Space

Growing up my Mom used to tell me, "Be proud of being different. It’s what makes you interesting and stand out from the crowd."

There was a time, not too long ago, when LDS leaders would regularly go out on a limb and talk about very far-reaching and speculative doctrine concerning life on other planets with gusto and conviction. The speculation didn’t always pan out, but at least it was interesting and kept young minds engaged on the possibilities. Often these days, I yearn for the return of truly unique doctrine delivered without care of how it will be viewed by non-LDS churches.

I was reminded of our bold past when I came across this article from the New Era printed in 1971:

People on Other Worlds, New Era, April 1971

This is what I’m talking about! Bring back these types of articles. Sure, most people might think we’re nuts, but many do anyway, so at least we can have some interesting and unique speculative doctrine that involves space travel and extraterrestrials. We may even use this as our primary missionary message in some parts (New Mexico comes to mind).

In a Q&A topic on the New Era from 1985, the question was asked, “Is Jesus Christ the Savior of all the worlds God created or just ours?” (You have to scroll down past the Q&A on "Petting" – and no, it's not instructional info on cat-care).

The article points out that Jesus not only died for the sins of our world, but countless worlds. I remember vividly this topic being taught to me by my parents and being discussed among the Elders in my mission. This doctrine had created awe in my young mind as I tried to understand how people on other planets could possibly believe in an alien dying for their sins on some other unknown planet. I had a hard enough time understanding what happened on my own planet. Talk about faith in extraterrestrials! How could our Earth, in all the eternities and infinite space, be the planet chosen by God for Jesus to die on? How lucky I believed we were!

So, what say ye? Do you also wish we delved into the mysteries more, at the expense of appearing odder to our neighbors? Are we better off assimilating into the common Christian masses more and more? By becoming more conforming in our doctrinal emphasis to mainstream Christianity, should our Church expect more converts?

Has Mom’s sagely advice run its course?

Surely God Understands Modern English

Would it be too much to ask that, as a Church, we move to addressing God in common English that everyone can be comfortable with, instead of trying to sound like Englishmen of the 17th century? I've never really understood the affinity our Church has to this archaic dialect of English that everyone else happily jettisoned a couple of centuries ago along with blood-letting and witch burning (ok, someone forgot to send that memo to Salem).

Growing up, there were many times when I was in non-LDS homes where prayers would be offered before meals. Without exception, all of these prayers sounded very similar to how normal people spoke every day. They never used the fancy-pancy King James English that we, as Mormons, use in our prayers that no one else understands. Hopefully God understands this and doesn't just keep wondering if he's hearing stray prayers from the past echoing throughout the eternities.

To be honest, I've never been really comfortable speaking in King James English, even as a life-long member. It's old, awkward, and follows grammatical rules that people aren't familiar with. The more you understand the proper use of King James English, the more you notice just how few people actually get it right. It's even more strange that the only part of King James English that we use are the personal pronouns (Thee, Thou, etc).

In serving a mission on a Spanish-speaking country I quickly realized something very interesting about their prayers. In Spanish (and other languages?) members of the LDS Church pray to God in the most common, familial form, as if God was their best friend, just like my childhood neighbor Protestants in the USA. And, strangely, it's believed by members that God listens and understands these friendly, 'common language' prayers.

From the Wikipedia listing for 'Thou' we find the following information:
In a deliberately archaic style, the possessive forms are used as the genitive before words beginning with a vowel sound (for example, thine eyes) similar to how an is used instead of a in an eye. This practice is followed irregularly in the King James Bible but is more regular in earlier literature, such as the Middle English texts of Geoffrey Chaucer. Otherwise, "my" and "thy" is attributive (my/thy goods) and "mine" and "thine" are predicative (they are mine/thine). Shakespeare pokes fun at this custom with an archaic plural for eyes when the character Bottom says "mine eyen" in A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Did you get that? Right.

I feel comfortable making the general statement that when a dialect is old and archaic enough to be made fun of by Shakespeare, it's time to move on. While unkind to point out, the only people that would miss this, will themselves be missed very shortly, and the rest will just heave a big sigh of relief. If we want a personal, accessible God, let's address Him accordingly, as most of our non-US Brothers and Sisters have the pleasure of doing.

I'm going to kick this suggestion up to The Brethren. Keepest your fingers crossed.

Honing Your Mo-Dar Skills

Whether it's the Spirit emanating from the person, the tell-tale garment lines, or the 8 kids-in-tow, I've developed a particularly keen sense of Mormon Radar, or 'Mo-dar' over the years. I find it especially fun to use this gift of discernment while visiting outside of Utah and trying to figure out who's Mormon. I think I can give myself a solid 8-out-of-10 for picking up Mormon signals. For you just trying to build your sense of Mo-dar, here are some items that I've found to be key indicators. I've also included a scoring mechanism that can help beginners. Just add up the numbers, and as the total gets closer to 100, you can feel confident that you've found a Mormon. Anything over 100 is a sure-bet.

Haircut - If the man has a military-qualifying haircut you can usually place that person into one of two groups: a man that is currently in the military, or a Mormon. Score = 20, unless on a military base where it would only be .05

Women's haircut - This used to be a far better marker, but these days if you find yourself staring down a 1850's Prairie-style do, you've most likely encountered an FLDS lady. There are the occasional hold-outs in smaller Utah communities, but it's a dwindling bunch. Score = 1

Kids - This is always a good indicator, especially outside of Utah. Most have long-since-realized that we've reached a fairly good level of replenishment here on the Earth, and adding significantly more people is not in anyone's best interest. Sure, we still have a large portion of Southern Utah and Northern Nevada to populate, but maybe those areas are just best left to rabbits. So, when large families are spotted I generally narrow my sorting to Mormons or Catholics. Scoring starts at 20 for four children, and increases by 10 for every child past four.

Celestial Smile - When looking for this with men, you have to be careful. When I was just starting to hone my Modar skills I'd mistake the common wife-beater tank top for garments unless the wearer was also smoking. So my advice is to look not only below the neckline, but also at the sleeves. No sleeves, no g's. Score = 20 due to ambiguity

Celestial Crack - Unlike the Celestial Smile, the Celestial Crack is a sure give away. This is witnessed when a lady is sitting or bends over. You don't have to be looking directly at her to notice the sometimes-blinding white flash, with today's low-cut waists, results in typically 2-3 inches of 'g' exposure that can be seen from 80 yards out. Nothing identifies a Mormon lady, and mystifies those outside of Utah, more than this. Score = 90


CTR Ring - Well, this is a big one, of course. Many religions have their symbols: crosses, yarmulkes, hijabs, etc. Mormons have their CTR rings. Back in the day, there was only one type of CTR ring available - junky aluminum rings that turned your ring finger green faster than dipping it into Lime Jello. These days, the LDS paraphernalia-hawkers have really zeroed-in on CTR rings. Now you can get these rings in gold or silver and in any language you like. They come with diamonds for the bling-bling crowd, black lettering for the Mormon Goths, glow-in-the-dark letters for reminding you to CTR just before making a mistake you'll regret for a very long time, and my favorite - the, 'Sidewinder Royal Spinner CTR Ring.' Seriously. I couldn't make this stuff up. Score = 80

Participant in 'American Idol,' 'So You Think You Can Dance' or, 'Dancing With the Stars.' Score = 10

Well, those are a few tips to help those building the accuracy of their Mo-dar. I'm sure I missed some others, so please add those markers that have helped you to identify our own.

Time for a Word of Wisdom Refresh?

As any LDS member who's taken part in a Word of Wisdom discussion in Sunday School knows, the correlation between prohibited items and health benefits are a little hazy these days. We're still on solid ground for one of the Big Four: tobacco. It looks like we really nailed that one. Except for the helping sick cattle oddity. However, the other Big Four are in a losing battle with scientific research.

Tea is widely heralded for its health benefits in all current research (something the Chinese have known for thousands of years). The only substance in tea with a potential downside - caffeine - is still widely consumed by many LDS members in diet soft drinks and hot/cold chocolate. A quick search on the Journal of American Medical Association's website produced these highlights on tea's healthfulness:

Habitual moderate strength green or oolong tea consumption, 120 mL/d or more for 1 year, significantly reduces the risk of developing hypertension in the Chinese population.

There is evidence of green tea as a cancer preventive for humans in other parts of Japan where quality green teas, "typical" as defined by the National Cancer Institute, are traditionally consumed.

Green tea consumption was inversely associated with mortality due to all causes and due to cardiovascular disease.

Habitual tea consumption, especially for more than 10 years, has significant beneficial effects on bone mineral density of the total body, lumbar spine, and hip regions in adults.

The theaflavin-enriched green tea extract we studied is an effective adjunct to a low-saturated-fat diet to reduce LDL-C in hypercholesterolemic adults and is well tolerated.

Coffee fairs quite well in studies, showing a lowered risk of type 2 diabetes and benefits from the antioxidants found in coffee.

Alcohol is a mixed bag. Clearly, there is a danger of abuse associated with alcoholism, and Joseph Smith was painfully aware of this as there are many reports of his father's abuse of alcohol during much of his life. However, nearly all recent medical studies show ample health benefits of moderate alcohol consumption, especially red wine.

Journal of American Medical Association: The consumption of 2 alcoholic drinks or fewer per day was inversely associated with extensive coronary calcification. The risk of extensive coronary calcification was 50% lower in individuals who consumed 1 to 2 alcoholic drinks per day than in nondrinkers.

Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research: "The benefits of alcohol are all about moderation. Low to moderate drinking – especially of red wine – appears to reduce all causes of mortality. The breadth of benefits is remarkable – cancer prevention, protection of the heart and brain from damage, reducing age-related diseases such as inflammation, reversing diabetes and obesity, and many more."

I believe it may be time for a Word of Wisdom doctrine refresher. It's clear we already do a substantial amount of picking and choosing of what's important, so maybe it's time to really have an overhaul of Section 89 to better represent more current health understandings. We could start by removing coffee and tea completely from the prohibitions. The idea that hot drinks create an imbalance of the humors in the body (the common wisdom of the 1830's) has been replaced by more sound understanding of how our bodies actually function.

Instead of seeing this refresher as a negative comment on Joseph Smith, I think he should be applauded for providing a health code that took the best advice available at the time, and was delivered in the hopes of improving the health of the Saints. It should be emphasized that with changing times, comes more relevant information and we also now face some different health concerns.

We'd certainly keep the prohibition on tobacco, but perhaps lessen the restrictions on alcohol to 'moderate consumption.' By most literal readings of D&C 89, moderate use of alcohol would be considered as approved, even though this use has been prohibited in more recent times. In sec 89, verse 17, we read, "Nevertheless, wheat for man, and corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, and for mild drinks, as also other grain." Mild drinks from barley would universally be recognized as 'beer' both in the 1830's and today. Many Latter Day Saints continued moderate drinking of alcohol, including many leaders, until the early 1900's, when a much greater (and stricter) emphasis was placed on the Word of Wisdom.

Now, I'm not just in favor of loosening the definitions of the Word of Wisdom, but also expanding it to include more recent dietary information. I think LDS members would be well-served if we added to the Word of Wisdom some guidance for the moderate consumption of sugars and fatty foods. These weren't real concerns in the 1800's, but today are the leading causes of health issues, as least in the U.S. Perhaps adding some support for regular exercise would be helpful as well. Those American frontier people certainly didn't have to worry about lack of exercise, but we're not pushing too many hand carts, or hand-sewing fields these days.

It would also go a long way towards improving our health by actually emphasizing the restrictions placed on the eating of meats in the D&C. Verses 12 and 13 of DC 89 read, "Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly; And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine." Even though it's some of the clearest language in the entire section, the advice has always been completely disregarded.

Don't be surprised if sometime in the near future you're asked to answer questions concerning sugar and meat consumption during a temple recommend interview, and receive a steely-glare from the Bishop who just yesterday saw you serving yourself a large Slurpee and three hot dogs at a 7-Eleven.

Only in Utah

I was enjoying a little heaven-on-earth this weekend at the best pizza restaurant in Utah County - Nicoitalia Pizzeria. I noticed this sign and couldn't stop laughing. Only in Utah...

General Conference Predictions

As Fall General Conference nears, electricity is in the air, at least in Utah. And I'm not just referring to yesterday's lightening storm. I've heard a lot of speculation from neighbors (in Utah, Wards and neighborhoods are synonymous) about what's going to be covered in GC this Sunday, so I thought I'd throw out my own predictions. You can judge for yourselves how inspired I am, and add any of your own predictions.

The Brethren will finally decide that reading scripts from teleprompters make the talks feel robotic and cold. They'll ditch the comfort of scrolling words in favor of warmth and sincerity.

A Sister will be allowed to say a closing prayer at one of the four sessions. I'd hope for an opening prayer, but small steps...

One speaker will slip up and refer to gathering in The Great and Spacious Building, when they meant to say The Conference Center

A Sister leading the MoTab Choir during a normal session. Nearly all of the Ward Choristers I've ever seen have been Sisters, so why not let a Sister enter the Major Leagues of choir directing?

Talk covering the Word of Wisdom, specifically about eating meat sparingly

A single talk from a GA with a non-white shirt to really make a point about the Church's efforts to reach out to the Youth and be more inclusive, rather than all the speakers appearing like members of an Old English Country Club or a gathering of bank executives

A talk from a GA sporting a goatee, mustache, beard, or even sideburns as The Brethren realize that the 70's and Hippie movement are sufficiently behind us. We no longer need to feel threatened by facial hair.

A stern talk about online social networking addictions, with an example story of the potential heartbreak that this can lead to (reading Ward blogs is excluded). On-line porn addiction is becoming passé.

In the current state of economics with members out of work and trying to make ends-meet, expect a talk about the blessings associated with paying tithing

Announcement that the end is near, and that all Saints everywhere need to pack up and head to Missouri. Or, do we still believe this? It's been awhile since I've heard of this one being discussed, so maybe just an update on whether, or not, this is still expected to happen at some point would be nice.

A talk by one of the Three Nephites. One can dream...

General Conference Jitters - Continued

Here we are, back where we were six short months ago. And again, with General Conference approaching rapidly I'm feeling that this time I just might be receiving the call to join the Major Leagues. Over the past six months I've really focused on building my resume and mingling with the visiting General Authority Brethren during Stake Conference.

Just to be clear, I've lowered my sights from going directly into the Q12, to starting out as a humble Area President or Seventy. What are we up to now, like twenty quorums of the Seventy? Surely there's room for a humble, handsome Bishop from Spanish Fork. It's only 45 minutes from Salt Lake. They've called some Seventies that live farther away than that, although none come quickly to mind.

So, if there are no new posts for several weeks on the Spanish Fork 401st Ward Blog site, you can safely assume that I've received The Call. Or that I had a heart attack and passed into eternal child-making bliss, and if that's the case, just know that you're all welcome to visit my planet any time you like. Wait - are we all on the same planet, just different cities? I think I'm having a melt-down from all the excitement.

The Callings Process

First, a little background. I was at the MTC on a visit several years ago and had the opportunity to listen to a talk to the missionaries by President Monson, who discussed the process by which Elders and Sisters are called to different areas for missionary service. Before this discussion I had some idea that the process involved some mystery element whereby people were selected to go to a specific destination through supernatural involvement. Come to find out, missionary information was all in a computer, and automatically assigned to areas based almost solely by need (X mission needs X number of missionaries in March, the computer assigns the appropriate number). While it was initially a let-down, logically it made perfect sense. How could assigning tens of thousands of missionaries a year be handled any other way?

While brings us to today's post. I've been asked many times about the process by which callings are made. Most would like to believe, as did I in the past, that callings come straight from above, whispered into the ear of the Bishop, who then merely extends the call to the member. Needless to say, that's not exactly the typical process.

With callings, I first spend some time pondering about the open positions. Usually this is done with my eyes closed while relaxing in my leather recliner. After pondering for some time I might feel particularly inspired that a person should be asked to fill a position, while other times I have no idea at all.

If I'm at a loss, I may ask my wife for her inspired input. Let's face it, until women are officially running the Church, why not at least admit that they have great influence at every level and a great instinct for who might fill a position particularly well.
In the next Bishopric meeting, any names that I've thought of are discussed and the other members of the Bishopric provide valuable input. Sometimes we go with my initial thought, other times another name is presented that seems to be a better fit for whatever reason. We can usually come to a consensus on the names during this meeting.

Lastly, we extend the call and have about a 60% acceptance rate, even from those we felt good about. Of course, members are always able to use their free agency, and as it turns out there are many situations that we weren't initially aware of that make people unable to accept the call.

So there you have it - callings in a nutshell.

Ward Suggestion Box

It looks like the theme of this week's suggestion box entries is 'luxury accommodations' at the Ward building. I'm not sure about some of these, so we may have to put them to a vote in PEC meeting this Sunday. I'd put the items to the vote of the full Ward Council, but I'm fairly certain I already know which way the ladies would vote on most of the below items, and I'd like to skip any uncomfortable debates.

Install deer jerky dispensers in each hallway. Every season our Ward hunters harvest tons of deer and elk meat. What better way to encourage others to join in thinning the local deer population than sharing the blessed bounty of the hunts. The dispensers would be locked on F&T Sundays.

Install bidets in the bathrooms - experience that 'just-showered' freshness anytime at Church. Feeling a little sweaty down below from sitting in wool pants on a warm seat for two hours? Swing into the restroom for a quick under-carriage refresher!

Dark pull-down shades on the classroom windows. As a teacher I'm afraid the kids are having a hard time seeing media presentations in such a bright room. Note: I think that this may be just to enhance the 'meditation' by the teacher during these 'media presentations.' Been there, done that.

Add, as an addition to the perks for the Uber-Tithers, 'Magic Fingers' chair massagers that can be carried from room-to-room (by the non-full-tithers).

Blessings Shout-Out

It's time to catch up on some of the blessings that our faithful Ward members have experienced lately:

Brother Harvey - for the second year in a row was blessed with killing a beautiful, large elk in the fertile Wasatch Mountains. His wall is filling up faster than the refreshment line at an adult-singles dance.

The Anderson's are now able to fit their entire family of eleven into one vehicle. I didn't know they were still making the 'extended-full' vans, but there it was - truly a monument to being fruitful and multiplying.

Brother Neilson had the shingles this week. Not usually considered a blessing, but having it this particular week got him out of hitting up all his neighbors for money for "Friends of Scouting," eating burnt hot dogs and warm potato salad at the High Priest social, and the 7am Sunday Stake Leadership meetings. I'd place that squarely in the 'blessings,' category.

Sister Young was blessed last week with the hot, dry weather she'd been praying for. Unfortunately, it was at the expense of firefighters currently battling a dozen fires in the area caused by the dry weather. Please, Brothers and Sisters, think of the possible consequences when asking for divine weather intervention.

BYU vs. Florida State Prep

Well, I don't think there's been this much excitement among the Brethren of the Church since the announcement of polygamy. BYU may, once again, have a shot at a national football title. Watching ESPN the past two weekends has been surreal with all of the BYU-praising going on. They're even talking frequently of a potential Heisman trophy bid for Max Hall.

Of course, there are a dozen games left in the season, and painful past experience has certainly taught that the chances for BYU's success usually diminish relative to the overall buildup of expectations and hopes of the faithful.

Count me among the optimistic - at least until the first loss!

By Common Consent

Something hit me this past Sunday while standing in front of the congregation conducting business (and thankfully, it wasn't Billy Crugan throwing soggy Cheerios again). Is it just me, or does anyone else think that it's odd to ask for a raise of hands for a consenting vote of fellow Ward members? In my many, many years at Church, I've yet to witness one hand being raised publically in opposition to a calling. Would anyone really feel comfortable these days raising a hand against a fellow Ward member, other than the small children or members with Alzheimer's? I think most members are just glad it's not them receiving another calling.

At the center of this issue is a conflict between the core ideas of common consent and that of inspiration or revelation. The Church was founded on the idea of revelation, yet introduced common consent, where , "all things must be done in order, and by common consent in the church" (D&C 28:13), and "No person is to be ordained to any office in this church, where there is a regularly organized branch of the same, without the vote of that church" (D&C 20:65).

It seems that common consent has been basically dropped within the Church over the years. Meeting notes from early Church history show that dissenting votes were somewhat common, followed by public comment and discussion on the matter or person. Instead of the original purpose of actually asking for input into the decision, common consent has really been replaced by just a promise to sustain the leader's decisions. So, I'd propose it may be more appropriate to just ask for a raise of hands for those that are willing to support the person, and leave it at that, if that's the only culturally-acceptable result.

I think I'm going to float this one by The Brethren. Does anyone have the hotline number?

New Ward Callings

Look at who's about to receive untold blessings - mostly in the afterlife:

Marilyn Mathers - Ward Gossiper (might as well make it official)

Ron Studdard - Ward Parking Valet- another perk I thought of for the Uber-Tithers

Mark Landress - Ward Sports Updater - I decided that having one man listen to the big Sunday games, and provide some timely feedback, might motivate more men to stay the full three hours, instead of catching the Fall Football cold.

Shirley Dowen - Ward Boy Scout badge seamstress

Todd and Susan Templeton - Ward Obama supporters

Ward Calendar Update

Thursday, September 10th - Enrichment Night: "Making More From Less." Unlike the name suggests, it's not a lesson on the effects of overeating or alchemy, but rather some insightful strategies of running an efficient household.

Sunday, September 13th - Welcome back Elder Clemens! Yes, it's only been eight months since his farewell, but he's returning home for mental health issues. We want to make sure he receives a warm welcome and feels right at home with the 65% of our adult Ward members currently using anti-depression medication.

Tuesday, September 15th - Combined Youth Activity: "The Dangers of Pre-Marital Sex" If the normal Sunday School lessons hasn't scarred scared them enough, perhaps pictures of people suffering from genital herpes, the clap, crabs, and syphilis will. Snacks will be served.

Thursday, September 17th - Temple Night! Wahoo! Mark your calendars now for that one night a month you can feel good about being a cheap-skate. Root beer jello shooters and ice cream will be served afterwards at Brother and Sister Snyder's house.

Modest is Hottest

For some reason, I imagine the 'Modest is Hottest' slogan being coined by a group of wannabe-hip-Nuns, religious fundamentalists, or very large older ladies. No offense Sister Crouser.

Is it just me, or is there a rising creepiness in the attention that we, as a society, are placing on the sexuality of teenage girls? From unnatural interest in Brittany Spears during her teen years, to virginity pledges and now 'Modest is Hottest' clothing being all-the-rage in many Christian groups (including Utah County's primarily-LDS population), I'm becoming concerned with the unintended consequences. Is the message here to cover up to hide from boys, but by dressing like this they'll attract the attention of boys? The whole idea is extremely bizarre. LDS chastity ideals are starting to get pushed to extremes in some areas that may become unhealthy for the sexual maturation of young women.

As an example (and I may get in trouble for this one), our Stake prohibited the wearing of shorts at the Stake-sponsored Young Women's camp this year. This is in the middle of July. And, they made it a point that it was about modesty. Let's get some common-sense and balance in here, please. Not allowing girls to wear shorts in the middle of summer while among other girls is an unbelievably-strict standard to push. Why in the world would wearing shorts among other girls be a modesty issue? On the other hand, shorts weren't an issue at all for any of the Young Men's scout camps this summer.

As LDS members who strongly emphasize chastity, I feel it's very important to pair the chastity talks with frank discussions about sexuality in general to ensure that sex isn't just viewed as a dirty, nasty, sinful, embarrassing act that we save only for the one we truly love. Ideally, of course, these talks should take place in the home.

In a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, over 14,000 teens were asked different questions about sexuality and sexual activity. Some of the study's findings shocked a lot of people when it was found that teens that had taken a 'virginity pledge' were more likely to engage in higher-risk sex, including oral and anal sex, than the non-pledgers, and were far less likely to use condoms. This highlights a problem of focusing on just one aspect of sexual behavior (abstinence) to the exclusion of well-rounded discussions. When a teen feels that having unprotected anal sex is the answer to remaining a virgin, there's something drastically wrong with our approach to sex education.

As Ward members, I strongly encourage you to be open, honest, and realistic when having age-appropriate discussions about sexuality with your children. Relying on marketing slogans or abstinence-only sex education is simply ineffective and dangerous. It's time to become comfortable with being uncomfortable about sex education in our homes. Let's actively help our children to become the educators among their peers, instead of naive recipients of dangerous information.

And for goodness sake, let those poor Young Women wear shorts at summer camp!

Sexting? Not our teens!

Most parents of teenagers with cell phones can safely assume that when their child is up late at night with the cell phone cradled in their sweaty little palms, more than likely they're sexting with other teens, sexting with a creepy man pretending to be a teen, or sexting with a school teacher. Informed parents, from my experience, are more concerned about their teen's use of texting/sexting than even their Internet use.

But LDS parents need not be concerned any longer about what Nephi or Sarah are doing under the covers with their cell phones at 1am!

Thanks to this ad for the Church's Mormon.org website that I've noticed now several times on different sites, Mormon parents can be assured that their teens are just texting about God, the LDS religion, and life's questions at this hour with other interested teens. Seriously. Rest at peace.

I'm going out later today to purchase cell phones for all of my teen age grandkids just so that they CAN text. What a load off my mind, and I'm sure you're just as relieved.

Now, if I could only figure out those enigmatic texting acronyms like 'ROFLMAO'...

Oquirrh, Oak-her, OQrrxxj

Yesterday along the Wasatch Front - Zion to many (except the Jews) - The Brethren felt inclined to give us a break from the normal grind meetings so that we might attend the temple dedication sessions. A newly gilded (careful not to confuse with 'gelded') Moroni was in place after the earlier mishap with the lightening, and music was in the air.

I've been wondering about the choice of this temple's name, and I believe I may have figured out the mystery. Until now, nearly all of the LDS temples have been named after the city of their location (Salt Lake City, Logan, Boise, Draper, etc). However this new temple is situated only a couple of blocks from the already-existing Jordon River temple. So to avoid confusion, the Temple Naming Committee selected a name very familiar to both of the still-living Goshute Indians: Oquirrh Mountain.

I've yet to speak to anyone outside of Utah who has the faintest idea of how to pronounce the name of this temple. Then the thought struck me - maybe this obscure and difficult-to-pronounce name was by design. I know a lot of people that, while visiting other areas, try and attend a new temple. It's like seeing a tourist site, without the entrance fee - well, sort of. In the case of this new temple, perhaps the idea was to discourage any out-of-town visitors - a "locals'only" hang out sort of thing.

I can imagine that when visitors might think of selecting a temple to visit, they start with, "how about that new temple, the OQr... temple?" They'd get funny looks, make a few additional attempts at an intelligible guess in pronunciation, and then settle for the Draper or Salt Lake City temple. I think they also had this in mind when naming the Mount Timpanogos Temple, but that turned out to be phonetically sound enough to at least get close to the name. 'Oquirrh,' on the other hand, might as well have been named using cuneiform letters.

I may be way off base here on my guess. Perhaps people enjoy the challenge of learning new, exotic Native American names and feel a connection to our quickly-fading Lamanite heritage. Have I missed any other obvious reasons for the selection of this name?

MLM - No, Please Not Another One!

Having grown up outside of Utah, I feel that I lack an understanding in a foundational Mormon Institution: multi-level marketing, or MLM. In nearly a quarter of the interviews I have with adults, some form of an offer to join an MLM comes up. I've even received Christmas cards with MLM pitches making up the majority of the card's text. Christmas cards! I know that most Mormons likely believe that Jesus was a Republican capitalist, but this is ridiculous.

From an outsider looking in, I've observed the following commonalities in most of these MLM schemes:

Smooth-talking salespeople with products who's actual value defy common sense (mystical berry juice from the Pacific Islands, over-priced commodities like vitamins, and many health-related creams and lotions).

The requirement that all participants themselves spend hundreds of dollars a month on these products of dubious value, ensuring that the founders have a steady income, regardless of any actual sales to non-members. I'm positive that these required-purchases by the sellers themselves make up 90% of total products ever sold.

Pressure for these recruits to constantly harass friends, neighbors and family about 'getting in at the top level,' of one of the hundred new MLM pyramids introduced every month in Utah.

I know members that have jumped from one scheme to another for years. They've paid thousands of dollars for boxes of junk that still sit in a garage, or pile up in the Utah County landfill. Yet, as soon as the next-new-thing comes out, it's full-steam cycling through the friends again.

After many years of counseling people in financial matters, here's my advice - avoid MLMs like the plague. The only people making any money are the shady founders at the very top that quickly move on to the next scam. If you want to become financially secure, try the proven method of spending less than you make, paying off debt quickly, building a savings and retirement account, and investing in long-term value. And as a bonus, you'll still have some friends and family left that don't avoid you like a leper.

Not Quite Intelligent Design

I'm not usually one to complain, especially about God's creations, but in some instances He leaves me to ponder, 'What the heck was He thinking!?' I've read many articles on the idea of Intelligent Design, or Creationism Lite, and thought to myself - what about all of the unintelligent design in nature? Who designed that, and for what purpose? Were there a few semi-purposefully designed creatures (of course, we'd always have to lump us humans in with this group), but the rest of what we see was left to its own devices to evolve however it pleased? Even with humans, there are enough oddities to believe that at the very minimum, someone with a good sense of humor had a hand in this design.

Take vestigial organs. Was the appendix just designed with the fore-sight to ensure adequate financial support for the surgical profession? And to spread the wealth, I have to assume that wisdom teeth were most likely designed to provide financial support to oral surgeons? Couldn't God at least have removed these for all future missionaries and saved them the time, money, and pain - just a little token of appreciation to two years of full-time service? How about that tailbone in humans? I suppose there might have been a change in plans mid-design about us homo sapiens having tails, but someone forgot to remove all the evidence? And male nipples - what in the world do I do with these?

Hair is another interesting design aspect of humans. Our early ancestors started out completely covered. We shed some hair by the Neanderthal times, and now we're left with only a few small patches of hair, with the only hair we're really interested in being the stuff on top of our head, which also happens to be the only spot susceptible to balding. Couldn't we have been designed to bald in the nether-regions, and grow thicker hair on our heads as we age as a small compensation for a slowing metabolism? And why do we still have erector pili that cause our hair to stand on end (goose bumps), but we have no hair to really notice, where most animals have this trait as a defense mechanism to appear larger/fiercer to predators?

Our poor digestive systems. For some reason, they seem only designed to handle grains and proteins efficiently. Couldn't we have been designed with some fore-sight to better handle the abundance of refined sugar and carbs that we now consume in-mass, instead of being designed with what appears to be more for an environment tens of thousands of years ago? Why weren't we provided with some mechanisms to break down hydrogenated trans fats and oils so that we could enjoy our Big Macs and Super-Sized fries guilt-free?

And lastly, the duck-billed platypus. I rest my not-always-so-intelligent design case.

Staying Home … Again

The article, "Staying Home... Again," from the August 2009 Ensign caught me a bit off-guard, even after reading the article several times to make sure I fully understood the points being made. The entire article can be found online here.

Over the years, the Church has clearly held the position that mothers should stay at home whenever possible, although the Church has clearly reduced its rhetoric on this position. From my experience speaking with members, today's reality is that in most cases, women work to help their families make ends meet. In our Ward, I would estimate that about 65% of the wives work outside of the home. Knowing these families well, I can say that these women are not working to provide jet boats and European vacations, but rather food on the table and clothes for their children.

Ironically, I've noticed that a fairly-strong correlation exists between a need for this second income, and the members adherence to a strict interpretation of multiplying and replenishing the earth, paying a full tithing, and spending much of their free time in Church-related callings and activities.

From the example in the article, a woman goes to work to save a business that her family owns from going under. She finds that she actually enjoys working - a lot! And that's a very bad thing, indeed.

The woman begins to feel a great sense of guilt and starts to pray to have the desire to stay at home. In the end, their business fails, at the cost of, "hundreds of thousands of dollars," to her family. The lady interpreted this business failure to be an answer to her prayers, "Through this experience I have come to realize just how important it was to the Lord that I be home with my children, regardless of the consequences," and "He had first helped me to change my heart, and then He helped change my circumstances."

Well, I'm all for faith-promoting stories. Heaven knows I've had to come up with quite a few for F&T meetings, but this article was way too over-the-top and extreme for an example of why women should stay home, in my humble opinion.

Observations:

Wouldn't a business failure of several hundred thousand dollars put more pressure on a marriage than a wife that chooses to work? Is it rational to view this business failure as an answer to prayers?

The wife had a seemingly-legitimate reason to want to work in trying to save their business. Are we to understand that the Church doesn't support women working under any circumstance? Would it have been preferred that this women not even try to save the family business?

The article seems to support the position that women should feel terrible anytime that they have to work outside the home. There's not a single sentence in the article that supports any reason for women to feel okay about working outside the home.

After working a short time, the lady in the article states that she didn't want to be home anymore, but instead wanted to be anywhere but home. Having counseled many families, I've yet to see hear of such an extreme position. In my experience, the wife might feel some guilt, is probably more tired when she does come home after work - but doesn't want to come home at all? Really?

The lady in the story, "asked for forgiveness for straying so far from my divine role." Again, I can't correlate trying to help your family save a business to straying far from a divine role.

The moral of this story (article) - If you're not particularly happy with working outside of the home, consider the potential consequences before praying for a change!

BYU announces a new class for Fall '09- Bishop Prep 101

In a follow-up to BYU's continuously-full GA-Prep classes, they decided to expand their Church-prep series and add a class for those destined to be Bishops. Sorry, Ladies - until the Word comes down from The Brethren, it's a male-only class.

Topics covered will include:

What to expect during your first month in office

Delegation essentials

How to encourage successful YW activities on $5/week

Testimony meeting filler - a.k.a. How to turn every day events into faith-promoting stories

Pantyhose - Spiritual requirement for Sisters, or old-men fetish?

How to prioritize the 2 hours of free time that you'll enjoy each week while serving as a Bishop

Planning YM's activity on only $125/week

How to shake hands like a man, but cry like a woman

How to convincingly insinuate that you may know something about an interviewee through supernatural means

How to break the news to neighbors that they're going to have to work at Deseret Industries in order to be eligible for Church canned stew mystery meat

Accessorizing with a dark suit and white shirt, a.k.a. - The tie is your best friend

Climbing the Church ladder - Lessons in sincerity and humbleness

Shooting for the stars - Tips for getting called into the Stake Presidency

Ward Suggestion Box

To make this week's suggestions more interesting, I'm going to try using my Bishop Intuition to guess at who made the suggestions:

In-Church supply of dry ice for home-made root beer.
-I'm guessing either Brother Barrows, or Brother Mark.

All primary-age kids should be required to wear diapers, so that they don't have to be escorted to the bathroom by the Primary Presidency.
-Sister Turner - I know this was from you!

'Hall of Shame' area on hall bulletin board listing any man caught looking at Internet porn.
-My guess is this is from Sis Werner, Sis Gartner, or Sis Hendry. Perhaps I shouldn't have guessed on this one...

Release that creepy Brother Hicks from being a Primary Teacher.
-Ok, I'm guessing this is from Sister Williams. Note to Sister Williams: your boy is terribly behaved and I'm sure that Brother Hicks having Stephen sit on his lap was for disciplinary actions only. Well, I'm fairly sure.

“There’s (no) China in Them Thar Temples”

There’s a story that I’ve heard repeated many times concerning the sacrifices the early Saints made in building temples. One of the more dramatic stories for me was the one where Saints broke their good china and mixed it with the stucco for the exterior of the Kirtland Temple so that it would shine in the daylight.

I easily imagined all of these poor people sacrificing some of their family heirlooms and greatest possessions, just to beautify this building. If only that was actually the case.

At the website, HolyFetch.com, this and many other Mormon legends are put to rest, and others are verified as historical. As it turns out, there is not a single contemporary account of members breaking their china for the Kirtland Temple. “Old glass and crockery,” was requested and gathered for the temple, but no use of china in the Temple construction turns up in written accounts until talks given in the 1940’s.

Well, other than being a bit bummed by this revelation, the site is actually really interesting to browse through. Just select the category on the left-hand side of the page to start debunking/verifying those legends and rumors.

This seems to be a hot topic today! I just noticed that the Salt Lake Tribune is running a different story about Mormon Myths and a guy that created an archive that now totals over 50,000 stories at BYU. Read this story here.

Ward YM/YW Activities Calendar July Update

All I can say it, “Wow!” Our youth leaders are the best. Here is what the Young Men and Young Women can look forward to in the second half of July.

Tuesday, July 21st

Deacons – Swimming Merit Badge – Bring a towel; we’ll be heading to the pool for some fun!

Teachers – Pizza, homemade root beer and a movie at Brother Johnson’s house

Priests – Hiking to Stewart Falls. Don’t forget your permission slips. We’ll be riding the ski lift up at Sundance, and then hiking into Stewart Falls. Wear a pair of shorts, or a swimsuit!

Young Women combined activity: Review of the new addition to the Young Women’s Personal Progress program – Virtue!

Tuesday July 28th

YM combined activity – Water slide and BBQ at Peteet Neet in Payson. Tons of fun! We’ll be laying down the big plastic tarp again to slide down the steep slopes at Peteet Neet. Wear a swimsuit! Anyone that can stay on their feet the whole way down gets a steak, instead of a hot dog!

Young Women combined activity: Create “I’m virtuous – hands off!” T-Shirts as a reminder to all of the Young Men with non-virtuous thoughts.

Advice to YM on Supporting Other YM

In my years as a Bishop and Young Men's President, I've over heard many lessons and discussions from Young Women leaders about how the Young Women need to behave and dress in order to support the Young Men as Priesthood holders in the Ward.

Well, I think it's only fair these days to also offer advice to the Young Men in how they should support other Young Men in staying on the straight and narrow. Gone are the days of innocent frolics in the country swim holes and nightly "tick-checks" by Scout Masters. What seemed so innocent in the halcyon years of the early '70's has long-since past.

So, here's my list of suggestions to help Young Men in areas that I've noticed cause the most wandering thoughts among their tent mates:

While it may seems like innocent fun, playing 'steamroller,' 'hide the bacon,' and 'spanking line' is discouraged at Scout over-nighters

While swimming with other Young Men, please use modest swim attire. Speedos, short-shorts, and skinny-dipping are the Devil's playground

A firm hand shake should always be used in place of a hug between fellow Young Men

Wear loose, cotton pants to church services instead of tight-fitting polyester/rayon slacks that have to be zipped up by your Mom as you "suck it in"

When playing basketball at the Church, a 'high-five,' or a simple, "good job," should be used instead of slaps to a teammates backside

Scout shirts and white church shirts should be kept buttoned to the top, and a neck tie or Scout neckerchief should be worn. Avoid showing chest area as much as possible

Modest footwear should be worn, whenever possible. Shoes with holes that show toes poking through are no-no's, no-back shoes should be avoided, and as far as flip-flops are concerned - one word: Hippies

Ward Suggestion Box

Another week, another group of suggestions. Ok, it's been a few weeks, but here's what I found in the suggestion box yesterday:

Call a couple as the bathroom facilitators - similar to fancy restaurants and hotels, this person would assist the younger children from primary do their business. They could also hand paper towels to the adults. (Shoe shines were also suggested, but that's just taking it too far, in my opinion.)

Plan an adult-only trek this winter from the top of Deer Valley ski resort, to the lodge at the bottom of the mountain (this can be repeated a few dozen times), and then continue the trek to the outlets.

Substitute breath mints instead of bread for the sacrament. (Note: At first I thought it was a terrible idea, but if we've already swapped the wine for plain water, it may not be too big of a stretch. The positives are very obvious - especially to those sitting next to Brother Harold. I may have to run this one by The Brethren.)

Along with handicapped parking, add 'Especially-Blessed' parking for the family with the most expensive car in the Ward. (Note: I know this was your suggestion, Brother Morgan).

20 Reasons to Be A Mormon

Just the other day I was thinking to myself, "I am so blessed to be a Mormon!" How was I selected to be one of the lucky 0.001% of the Earth's population (not counting the neanderthals) to know The Plan? I'm sure that it most likely has to do with my valiant efforts in the pre-existence, or my uncommonly-good looks. If only everyone understood the blessings of being Mormon, I'm convinced we'd have a landslide of people investigating the Church. Okay, except for the gays. I think that door is pretty much closed for now.

Well, to feel good in my proselyting efforts (and in lieu of talking to my non-Mormon neighbors directly) I decided to put together a list of 20 reasons to be a Mormon.

Funeral potatoes served without the need of a deceased

Believing that you still need to fruitfully multiple to replenish the Earth in 2009

Encouragement to use all your favorite names starting with 'B' for your children - all 12 of them!

The unanimous vote - each time, and every time

Xanax - more common than aspirin

Access to enough raw wheat supply to feed bread to every child in Africa for 5 years

No visible panty lines

An afterlife without hell and harps (but it will cost you the wings)

All-paid treks in Utah's scenic deserts in the middle of the summer

Vastly increases your chance of appearing on a talent or reality show

Women only need to shave their legs from the knee, down

Elimination of all that wasted free time, especially on Sunday

Other than the Forbidden-Four, it's everything-goes for diets. Red meat every night? Bring it on!

Limited money spent on teenage tattooing and piercings

Jello styles as diverse as hair style

Free dinner and movie any Friday night at the temple

Acceptable use of, 'moisture,' to identify a very wide-range of water forms (rain, dew, snow, etc)

A whole book full of unique kids names like, 'Nephi,' 'Sariah,' and 'Lemuel'

We can bless Krispie Kreme doughnuts to, "nourish and strengthen our bodies"

Last, but not least, eternal sex with many, many wives - and, you don't have to blow yourself up to get there! Granted, this may not be as big of a draw for the ladies.

Handcart Trek Report

As many of you know, our youth went on a handcart trek in the Southern Utah desert last week. I was invited to go along as a 'parent' for one of these handcarts and couldn't think of an excuse fast enough to get out of it. I'm still confused as to the purpose of making people suffer like this during this day and age, but I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned somewhere, like, "Thank the Lord I wasn't born in the 1800's!"

So, here's my take from the adventure:

Pros:

We didn't have to eat any of our own

I dropped those 15 pounds that I've been working on for a year

Seeing Tommy Ginther (a.k.a The Bully) cry like a baby the third day on the trail. "I want my Mom!" Boo-hoo!

Cons:

30 miles in 100 degree heat - Who the heck thinks this is a good idea? Next year, I'd support a modern trek where we emphasize how far we've come from pioneer times. We'd drive in air-conditioned cars to California, camp on a beach for a few days, catch and eat some fish, and drive back. Now that's a trek I could get into.

Blisters on 50% of my body

Listening to 'Pioneer Children,' 50 times - I have a sneaking suspicion that most of the children reported as missing on the plains, were actually just left behind after singing this song too many times

Food - Who's bright idea was it to get the 'true' pioneer experience of eating only grits, jerky, and hard bread? I thought those guys at least had pancakes and bacon.

Oh, and it was a real testimony-building experience. I now have a solid testimony that indoor plumbing is truly a modern miracle and that the price of an air-conditioned Tahoe is worth every dime.

(If anyone is interested in some used handcarts, I'd be willing to pay to have them taken away just to lessen the chances of every having to do this again.)

J. Golden Kimball on the WoW

As I was reading some additional information about last Sunday's Gospel Doctrine lesson on the Word of Wisdom, I found this really funny story from the always-colorful J. Golden Kimball, written by his nephew, James N. Kimball.

"Uncle Golden's struggles with the Word of Wisdom sometimes forced him into ironic circumstances. On one occasion, he was asked to go to Cache Valley where the stake president had decided to call all the Melchizedek priesthood holders together for the purpose of emphasizing the importance of the Word of Wisdom. Uncle Golden didn't realize this was going to be the theme until he got there. As a matter of fact, he didn't know what he was to speak about until the stake president announced it in introducing Uncle Golden: 'J. Golden Kimball will now speak to us on the subject of the Word of Wisdom.'

Uncle Golden didn't know what to say. He stood at the pulpit for a long time waiting for some inspiration; he didn't want to be a hypocrite and he knew he had problems with this principle. So finally he looked at the audience and said, 'I'd like to know how many of you brethren have never had a puff on a cigarette in all your life. Would you please stand?'

Well, Uncle Golden related later that much to his amazement most of the brethren in that audience stood. He looked at them for a long time and then said, 'Now, all of you that are standing, I want to know how many of you have never had a taste of whiskey in all your life. If you have, sit down.'

Again, to Uncle Golden's amazement, only a few of the brethren sat down. The rest of them stood there proudly looking at him and then there was a long silence. I guess Uncle Golden thought they looked a little too self-righteous, because his next comment was, 'Well, brethren, you don't know what the hell you've missed.' "

For an interesting (non-correlated) overview on the development of the Word of Wisdom, here's the complete article from Life On Gold Plates.

Mormon Patron Saints

Having served a mission in a predominantly Catholic country, I came to find out that we LDS were missing out on one of the most popular aspects of that religion: Patron Saints. The variety of Patron Saints for Catholics number into the thousands, and can be found for any category - sore feet, Taxi drivers, butchers, etc.

Well, I thought it would be interesting to create of list of LDS pseudo-Patron Saints. Leave your ideas in the comments, and if they pass the qualifications, they'll be added to the official list that I'll be submitting to The Brethren.

Mitt Romney - Patron Saint of Mormon Republicans

Marie Osmond - Patron saint of the Arts

Thomas S. Monson - Patron Saint of Widows

LaVell Edwards and Steve Young - Patron Saints of LDS Sports

Emma Smith - Patron Saint of Stay at Home Moms and Community Organizers

Lorenzo Snow - Patron Saint of LDS ZZ Top fans

J. Golden Kimball - Patron Saint of Swearing

Porter Rockwell - Patron Saint of Bodyguards and people in the car towing business

Brigham Young - Patron Saint of Civil Engineers and Fundamental Polygamists

N. Eldon Tanner - Patron Saint of CPA's and Financial Managers

Eliza R. Snow - - Patron Saint of Veterinarians

BH Roberts and Thomas Stuart Ferguson - Patron Saint of Closet Doubters

Ezra T. Benson - - Patron Saint of ultra right-wing conspiracy buffs

Barbara Thompson, Patron Saint of Social Workers

Harry Reid, Patron Saint of closeted Democrats and moderate Republicans

Glen Beck - Patron Saint of the mentally challenged

Hyrum Smith - Patron Saint of Brotherhood and Loyalty

Joseph Smith - Patron Saint of Inspiration, and Indian Leg Wrestlers

What to Expect When You're Expecting in Spanish Fork 401st Ward

Sister Wheeler, our wonderful Relief Society President, has come up with a great get-to-know-you idea that she's started to implement at all Ward baby showers. The contest is to see who can keep their hand over the expecting mother's stomach the longest.

While in this close proximity, the Sisters enjoy some great bonding time, can share casserole recipes and provide pointers for coping with discontinued Xanax use during a pregnancy. The winner of each contest gets a gift certificate for Cold Stone. Let the touching begin!

Satan-o-Meter iPhone App

From our Ward Blog Sponsor:

Finding yourself unsure whether you just make bad decisions on your own, or if The Evil One (or one of his billions of minions) is actually present? Have an accident, and you're confused whether Lucifer may had his hand in it?

Well, wonder no more! This handy iPhone app will indicate the presence of any evil supernatural beings up to 25 feet. The app does get confused when used within the proximity of Ouija boards, decks of playing cards, stereo's playing The Rolling Stones and certain vampire books.

Know when it's the real-deal!

The 'M' Word

This week Brother Nielson and I took the opportunity to clean out the Ward Clerk's office. This office, as well as the library, are Church time-capsules stocked with some really 'interesting' items from the past. My favorite find was instructions provided as part of a 1970's Missionary Guide, written by Mark E. Peterson, on overcoming the 'M' word. I've copied some of the content, just in case you, 'have a friend,' that's having some, 'issues.'

I'm especially fond of item #19 under, 'Suggestions,' - sound advice indeed. I wonder if the publisher of Dale Carnegie's classic, 'How to Win Friends and Influence People,' would consider a Forward added to a special anti-masturbation edition by Mark E., in light of suggestion #7.

This fixation with the 'M' word by The Brethern includes Boyd K. Packers famous, 'Little Factory' talk on the subject given at a General Conference Priesthood session in 1976. Combine these sources on the 'M' word for a fun-filled and fascinating FHE! I'd nearly guarantee the children will be silent for this one.

STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION - Mark E. Peterson
A GUIDE TO SELF-CONTROL:

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in the mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes - just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of the family present.
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember - "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to stay in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books - Church books - Scriptures - Sermons of the Cistern. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of the Scripture, preferably one of the four Gospels in the New Testament. The four Gospels - Matthew, Mark, Luke and john - above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER - NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind!

Suggestions

1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and not out-loud when the temptations are the strongest.
2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.
3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell _STOP_ to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a pre-chosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to _never again_ you will always be open to temptation.
5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.
6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents.
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ by Dale Carnegie.
8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.
9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have _no black days_. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months.
10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.
11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called _aversion therapy_. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.
12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.
13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.
15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.
16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.
17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress.
21. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan Never Gives Up. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment.

Looking Forward to the Good Life

In past posts I've pondered on some of the questions that remain as to the logistics of the afterlife experience. As I found myself pondering upon this topic again while watching, 'So You Think You Can Dance,' I realized that no matter what it's like in the celestial realm, there will most certainly be some positive changes:

Home teaching - If God's capable of reading the minds, and hearing/sorting through prayers from seven billion people speaking 1,000+ languages and dialects simultaneously here on Earth, surely he has a grip on the status of everyone in the afterlife. And after all, isn't it only blue skies and crying babies anyway? So, I'm guessing that the monthly calls that everyone tries to avoid will be a thing of the past.

Moving - There was a time when we were moving 2-3 families a month into and out of our Ward. I'm nearly moved-to-tears at the idea of not moving anyone in the eternal abode. They'll catch their own ride to their assigned home planet and start the procreating without any boxes, U-Haul, etc. Wahoo!

Church Welfare - I'm not sure how many of you would enjoy sitting across a desk from a neighbor and telling them to dump cell phones, cars, RV's, etc., to reduce monthly expenses, but I dread it. With the celestial streets paved in gold, welfare shouldn't be an issue. Although it brings up further questions: is the gold only in the Celestial Kingdom, or do all three come equally-equipped in this area, and more importantly, if a resource isn't rare anymore, is it really worth anything? But I digress...

Church Meetings - Now here's an interesting one to me. After we've 'made it' will we have to go to any Church meetings anymore? Since we'll already know everyone else's thoughts, I assume that we'll know what that person would give a talk about, before the talk is even given. I think I'm safe to say that Sunday may turn out to truly be days of rest in the hereafter. Don't get me wrong - I suppose that sitting in a chair for twelve hours every Sunday could be considered resting to a guy that works in construction, but...

Travel - There were few things that I hated more while raising my kids here on Earth than long car trips with children under five. With all the child-rearing that will be going on eternally in the netherworlds, I'm really hoping that there aren't celestial maxi-vans and that travel will be more-or-less instantaneous, like what we see on Star Trek, but with much larger teleportation pads that can facilitate a few thousand kids at a time.

In-Laws and Extended-Family Reunions - Since we're all, 'brothers and sisters,' will we still be expected to visit in-laws in the hereafter? I can't imagine having extended-family reunions either, since a gathering of tens of billions would take some massive coordination, and that doesn't even include the Neanderthals. On that note, are the Kingdoms going to be species-segregated, or will we all get lumped together? I enjoy the thought of seeing Fido again, but not so much being chased by the saber-toothed tigers and velociraptors.

So, what are the to-die-for changes that you're most looking forward to in the afterlife (other than the return of the halcyon days of polygamy)?

Angel Louis, Is That You?

As most of you know, the angel on top of the new Oquirrh Mountain Temple in South Jordan was struck by lightning this weekend and left Angel Moroni looking more like Louis Armstrong blowing a trumpet. See story and pictures here.

Well, we just received the official word from The Brethren, that this was not a sign from God, and should not be taken as such. Lightning, as it turns out, is just very attracted to large, metal objects sticking high into the sky and no judgments need to be made by its being blackened by lightning.

Our Refined 1950's Heavenly Home

Today as I was preparing for my afternoon meditation session by reading the new June 2009 Ensign, I ran across the article by Elder Douglas L. Callister (Our Refined Heavenly Home) which he previously gave as a talk at BYU and was printed in BYU Magazine.

The talk/article is about appreciation for fine art, music, literature, etc. Then comes a whole section on the importance of physical appearance, which I found extremely interesting and insightful. Here's a sampling (taken from the BYU Magazine version, which differs only slightly from the Ensign article):

"Many years ago an associate of mine decided he would please his wife by sharing with her a very specific compliment each night as he arrived home. One night he praised her cooking. A second night he thanked her for excellence in housekeeping. A third night he acknowledged her fine influence on the children. The fourth night, before he could speak, she said, “I know what you are doing. I thank you for it. But don’t say any of those things. Just tell me you think I am beautiful.”

She expressed an important need that she had. Women ought to be praised for all the gifts they possess that so unselfishly add to the richness of our lives, including their attentiveness to their personal appearance. We must not “let ourselves go” and become so casual—even sloppy—in our appearance that we distance ourselves from the beauty heaven has given us. Every man has the right to be married to a woman who makes herself as beautiful as she can be.

Some flippantly say, “How I look has nothing to do with how God feels about me.” But it is possible for both earthly parents and heavenly parents to have unspoken disappointment in their offspring without diminished love."


Elder Callister provides wisdom beyond his seventy years by painting a vivid picture of every forward-thinking man's dream:

1. The Dad is at work and his wife is at home

2. The wife is cooking and housekeeping (this one even achieved "excellence in housekeeping"!)

3. Mom influences the children for good (making up for Dad's example?)

4. Women really need to be praised for their beauty. Never mind her wit, charm, humor, intelligence, wisdom, etc. It's the beauty (and not to be confused with 'internal' beauty) that really counts. Cooking and housekeeping can come in a distant second.

5. Man has the "right" to be married to someone who makes herself as beautiful as possible. (This precious point was left out of the Ensign article)

6. God is disappointed when our beauty is not up-to-par

I'm already planning the next Young Women's activity around this eternal advice! We'd kick off the evening with a talk about man's expectations for a woman's appearance, provided by a High Priest - perhaps Brother Hamm. Please, Sisters, do not be offended if you're asked to provide an example of someone that has, "let themselves go," or is, "casual - even sloppy." It's for the good of the Young Women as they seek to present the best face possible to their future mate.

For the activity part, each Young Woman could then cook a home-made pie, and clean up afterwards. We'll invite the Priests in to judge the homemaker abilities, awarding a, "Future Homemaker of Excellance" medallion.

If there are any suggestions on what to include in this YW's activity, I'm all ears!

Sins by Proxy: Lesson in Proxy Work for the Youth

I was speaking to the youth this past Sunday on the importance we Latter Day Saints place on proxy work for the dearly departed. As some of you may have noticed, there seemed to be an overall lack of interest by the youth - even by the three who weren't texting during the whole lesson. Fortunately, at the end of the lesson I was struck by the Spirit with a novel method of teaching the great gospel principle of proxy work: Sins by Proxy!

Here's the plan. For one week starting next Sunday, the youth can commit pre-approved sins via proxy, for-and-in-behalf-of someone that now abides in the green meadows of the netherworld. It's probably best to keep this in the family, so you can personally explain this proxy lesson to them after this life.

At the end of the Sin by Proxy week, we'll start the Repentance by Proxy week, where each youth can feel the liberating warmth of proxy forgiveness as they confess the sins that were committed in another's name and help remove the burden from that poor soul's shoulders. I'm hoping that this can also take up a few sacrament meetings with testimonials from the youth about how much they learned from the experience, like we do each year after Girl's Camp (but never after Scout Camp).

For those not completely comfortable with this learning opportunity, don't worry, we can also employ Sins by Proxy by proxy! Just let me know if you're not personally comfortable performing sins by proxy, and we'll have another youth step in for you to perform the proxy sins, and then report back to you on their experience.

I have a list of suggested Sins by Proxy that the youth may want to try out, but please feel free to add others. Please remember, all sins not listed below must be pre-approved before they are committed:

Lustful thoughts

Sins of omission - Here's the chance to skip Church after sacrament meeting, and have someone else take responsibility for it (might be combined with breaking the Sabbath for a twofer).

Lying (smaller, white lies preferred)

Skipping scripture reading for the entire week

Wearing two-piece bathing suits and sunbathing in front yard (Young Women only, please)

Getting a second earring hole - just remember to remove the additional earring after the week, or The Evil One might gain a foothold

Fornicating - just kidding!

New Ward Newsletter

As many of you noticed last Sunday, we have a new Ward Newsletter that is a departure from those snooze-fests of the past. As the new Newsletter editor, Sister Farley decided to shake things up a bit, which has been met with mixed reviews of praise, and well, not so much praise. The members are mostly split by age groups in their opinions, with 60 being the magical pro-con differentiator.

Some of the feedback:

"The kids loved the dot-to-dot page revealing a picture of Job covered with lesions - very creative!" - Sister Wen

"The 'Approved New Media List' is very helpful! I hate trying to make my own decisions on products released from Satan & Co's Hollywood. However, I disagree with your inclusion of Twilight on the approved list. Anything mentioning vampires and love has to be bad news. Deseret Books recent decision to pull it from their shelves is as clear of a message as a warning straight from a GA's mouth." - Sister Gilly

"The 'Good News Corner' left me feeling very un-blessed. Where's my trip to France? I've only been 'blessed' this year with non-stop screaming twins and a ticket from my husband to Monster Truck Madness. Yippee..." - Sister Luten

"The new 'Sponsored By' section with ads from Mr. Mac, Pampers and Chevy extended-cab vans seemed weird to me." - Brother Pratt

"The 'Celestial Casserole' section for recipes is a great idea. I had no idea there were so many accepted variants of 'Shepherd's Pie.' - Sister Keils

"I hate the 'Awkward Ward Pictures' section! Who wants to see a backyard shot of Brother Hamm sunbathing while only wearing a banana hammock? Sick and wrong!" - Brother Wright

What's My Age Again?

I was reading Mark Twain's, "Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven," the other day, and it brought up some questions about the afterlife that were thought-provoking. You can read this short story online here.

One of the questions covered in the story was the age that we'll be in the here-after. Here's an excerpt from the story after Captain Stormfield asked another man, who'd been in heaven awhile, about age:

"Laws, what asses we used to be, on earth, about these things! We said we'd be always young in heaven. We didn't say HOW young - we didn't think of that, perhaps - that is, we didn't all think alike, anyway. When I was a boy of seven, I suppose I thought we'd all be twelve, in heaven; when I was twelve, I suppose I thought we'd all be eighteen or twenty in heaven; when I was forty, I begun to go back; I remember I hoped we'd all be about THIRTY years old in heaven. Neither a man nor a boy ever thinks the age he HAS is exactly the best one - he puts the right age a few years older or a few years younger than he is. Then he makes that ideal age the general age of the heavenly people. And he expects everybody TO STICK at that age - stand stock-still - and expects them to enjoy it! - Now just think of the idea of standing still in heaven! Think of a heaven made up entirely of hoop-rolling, marble-playing cubs of seven years! - or of awkward, diffident, sentimental immaturities of nineteen! - or of vigorous people of thirty, healthy-minded, brimming with ambition, but chained hand and foot to that one age and its limitations like so many helpless galley-slaves! Think of the dull sameness of a society made up of people all of one age and one set of looks, habits, tastes and feelings. Think how superior to it earth would be, with its variety of types and faces and ages, and the enlivening attrition of the myriad interests that come into pleasant collision in such a variegated society."

This raised some interesting theological questions for me regarding our beliefs in the afterlife, which seem to have some holes in certain areas like age. Will we get to choose what age we are in heaven? As it was mentioned in this story, my ideal age for heaven has changed as I've aged, and I would imagine most everybody's does. Will we all be the 35-40 years old that most pictures of the resurrected Jesus appear to have him pegged at?

Are children who pass away stuck at this early age for some time, even as we get older on Earth? Do they then start to age again after we die? Do they have any say in this matter (suppose they don't want to be stuck as a child, but would rather move into their teens and start dating)?

I'm also assuming that we follow the Patriarchal Order in Heaven, and that men get to choose the ages of their wives. Is it common to mix it up some for age variety, with a few hundred wives at each age-grouping just to keep it interesting throughout the eons? Or, does everyone default to one eternal age?

Also, how fast do spirit babies age? Do they need to go through a hard baby-spirit age, crying at night, and learning how to walk with their new little spirit legs, or are the spirits just born directly into young adulthood?

On a separate-but-related note, do spirit children require any food? I'm guessing they don't, since it'd take a lot of wet-nurses to keep the legions of spirit infants per planet fed, if the wives are having them at a break-neck rate. It'd be non-stop spirit-nursing throughout the eternities, which can't be too enjoyable for the ever-birthing mothers.

Is there further light and knowledge on this topic that I've missed, or do we just categorize this as another, 'it will work itself out, so don't worry about it,' item?

Ward Suggestion Box - First Round

Well, we've had the suggestion box up now for just over a week, so I thought I'd post what we have so far. There are some mighty-good suggestions already - and some really lame ones. You decide which are which, and add your own if you like.

Mini-refrigerator stocked with cold Mt. Dew for Elder's Quorum

A better selection of table cloths and flower arrangements for Relief Society

A, 'preferred,' calling spreadsheet where members can prioritize the callings that they'd like the Bishop to feel inspired to call them to

Home Teaching Hall-of-Shame list on the bulletin board for dead-beat HT'ers

Nose hair clipper to pass around HP Group meetings on Sunday

Nursery Upgrade

The Spirit this past Sunday night was in an especially-generous mood, and I had one of those not-too-infrequent, 'A-ha!,' moments that I thought were reserved for Stake Presidents and above.

After some work on the phone yesterday, I was able to find a sponsor for some restaurant-style beepers that will now be handed out to each parent dropping off a child in nursery. If your child is terrible, you'll feel that special tingling that only comes from the Spirit, or a restaurant vibrator. (On that note, will someone please ensure that Brother Hicks doesn't get a hold of one of these?)

Does anyone else receive an idea sometimes and think, "This is the one that may just get me called up to the Big Leagues?" Anyway, please enjoy this new convenience and remember that the Olive Garden (our sponsor) has soup, salad and delicious bread sticks as a lunch special on Thursday for only $4.99.

No More Paper Agendas

Starting this week, we will no longer be handing out printed agendas for Bishopric, PEC, Ward Council, or Ward Welfare meetings. As you know, many of the topics discussed in these meetings - like Brother Noggin's recent deer poaching arrest - are personal and confidential.

Also, I've recently had three members preemptively turn down callings after they saw their names on a list of potential candidates.

So, to ensure confidentiality and keep our system of catching people off-guard for callings intact, we're going to start using Etcha-Sketches, which will then be shaken after each meeting to clear the notes. In conjunction with this policy change, we've called Brother Hamm as the Ward agenda preparer. Hopefully he's fast with his fingers!

Ward Suggestion Box

In my ever-vigilant pursuit of perfection, I decided that we could benefit from an anonymous suggestion box. There were times as a less-high-ranking member when I would have liked to have told the Bishop how to do a better job, but couldn't out of fear of getting called into the nursery.

Well, now's your chance to make your voice count, or at least entertain us during Bishopric meetings. If you're only suggestion is that Brother Harold be given breath mints, please see Sister Grissel.

That We Could All Be Like - Satan?

During the Sunday School discussion this week, as it frequently does, the topic turned to Satan and how he's everywhere and into all our business, trying desperately to lead us astray with the help of the liberal media. Honestly, I'm not sure how Satan really made it before the age of television, movies and recorded music. Did Renaissance mothers warn their children of the evils of the lute-players and picket the gay Shakespearian actors?

All this talk about Satan led me to ponder on the subject for some time, and after waking up from my intense pondering I felt warmed by the Spirit, although it could have just been the chili. Satan remains an enigma, but here are a few of my thoughts to help build some discussion.

Let's face it, Satan is one hell of a dedicated guy, or as my mother would say, "he's been a real trooper."

For over six thousand years on earth, The Evil One has shown tireless dedication to The Plan and has played his role of opposition to perfection. Think about that - Perfection. It's been pure busting-his-hump-evil for all these thousands of years. He's had no long weekends, no vacations, and has had to serve as a role model for billions of other pathological liars, thieves, psychopaths, and pig-body-snatchers. The only real benefit I can think of is not having to worry about rising health-care costs. That we could all be so dedicated!

Over this time he's been called the worst of names: The Dragon, the Devil, the Tempter, a snake - and those are just the English names. Rumor has it that the Italians and Spaniards are much harsher. Most would have just packed it up and gone home after only a few centuries of such treatment, but not Satan. He's committed to the bitter end.

So, what's in it for Satan for playing this role perfectly for all these millennium? Eternal damnation. Yup, all this hard work and it's, "Thanks for giving us a perfect 100%, now off you go to Outer Darkness." I can't imagine what this Outer Darkness would be like, other than really crowded. We've been told that 1/3 of the pre-mortal spirits chose, for some reason, to follow The Dark Side - way before Anakin Skywalker made it hip.

Counting those that have lived on the earth, we would have to be approaching 50 billion full-time evil-doers. That's more evil spirits walking around than McDonald's has served in hamburgers. And I believe we're only counting humans here, not Neanderthals, Cro-Magnons, etc. Regardless, it's going to shoulder-to-shoulder in that Outer Darkness. Even if Satan was only to give a quick 5-second air-high-five to all these followers, it would take him over 475,000 years. I suppose there won't be much else to do in The Darkness besides gnash teeth, so all the high-fives might serve as a welcomed distraction.

Satan's also had to put up with a real drop-off in main-stream support lately. Back in the day, there were witches, demons, possessed animals, etc., all over the place. Then, people really got it together and started burning the witches. Well, sometime in the eighteenth century the interest in witchcraft as a career really fell out of favor with the ladies. These days, it's just the nuts that claim to be witches, and anyone that witnesses a body-possession is put away for their own safety. There still exists some childhood fears of monsters, but overall it seems that Satan's golden years are behind him.

Through all of this general decline in interest, Satan still keeps plugging away. Year, after year.

And just think - all Satan would have to do to completely thwart The Plan would be to sit down and do absolutely nothing. Do no evil, provide no opposition, refuse to do his part - just, do nothing at all. Within a minute, he could turn the whole Plan upside-down and really stick it to the Man. Surely I'm missing something here. It just seems too easy.

So hopefully, Satan doesn't read blogs and has more evil things to do than surf the Net. I'd hate to be held accountable for providing Satan with the idea of how to wreck The Plan and leave us to our own evil devices. It certainly didn't work out well for those Lord of the Flies kids. It'd be a dark day indeed if we had to focus on fixing ourselves instead of blaming The Evil One.

Always Feeding the Sheep,

Bishop Mike T. Young

Meetings Cancelled This Sunday

Thanks to young Susie Millsap, we all get a weekend free of meetings. This picture from Susie's Tuesday visit to Thanksgiving Point surfaced just today, after Susie had played with six other kids from the Ward, who are now all quarantined to be tested for swine flu.

Let this be a lesson to you all - heavy petting can have serious consequences.

Bishop Young

Specialty Wards

Typically, the only way Mormons can move Wards is to physically move a block or more down the street (or farther, for non-Utahans). Well, let's face it, not everyone loves the Ward their currently assigned to and might enjoy the freedom of attending a Ward that speaks more to their lifestyle. Currently, you'd have to be deaf, Spanish-speaking, or single to opt-out of your assigned Ward and attend another Ward. I'd like to suggest that we could broaden our Church's appeal by offering more specialized Wards and boost our now-decreasing new convert rate in the U.S. A few Specialty Wards that I've thought of are:

Entrepreneur's Ward (a.k.a MLM-Ward) - Love to chat-up all your Ward members about your latest foray into the elusively-lucrative home business world of ridiculously-priced berry juice? Do you believe that MLM's are God's divine plan for stay-at-home Mom's to make extra money, at the expense of your friends and neighbors? This Ward is for you! Sunday School lessons could be designed around current marketing trends of little-known Polynesian berries and the nutritional values of different herbal cocktails.

Fundamentalist Ward - Membership requirements might include a concealed weapons permit or Ham radio operators license. Lessons would alternate between emergency preparedness, the divine mission of the Republican Party, and discussions about the time on Kolob relative to the Earth.

Full-size Van or Suburban Ward - Minimum 7 kids - Should be a real popular option in Utah Valley! Senior citizens would also be encouraged to attend this Ward to balance out the teaching needs in the four Primaries.

Happy Ward - A Ward where single, male florists and home decorators might feel at home.

Polynesian Wards - Free from ethnic requirements, it would be more of a Polynesian-culture ward. Men can wear comfortable lava-lavas in the summer and shirts without a tie, plus there's a big potluck BBQ each Sunday after services. The only down-side is all the speakers expecting a returned, 'Aloha!' at the beginning of each talk.

Late Arrival Wards - Although, I suppose the meetings might never start, or have to be reduced to just 1 1/2 hours, since people would show up late, knowing that the meetings are starting late, at least those that make it to Church on time can have some peace.

PDoA Ward - In addition to mother/nursing rooms, there would be a few rooms with army-style cots for those who can't wait three hours between conjugal visits and 'laying on of hands'

Personally, I'd like to be the Bishop of the RV Ward. Membership requirements would include owning an RV or travel trailer, a minimum of two off-road vehicles, and at least one watercraft.

Any other suggestions to add, before this inspiration is passed up to The Brethren?

Practicing the Law of Consecration

With the bad economic times that we're experiencing, I've had several inquiries concerning the Law of Consecration and the United Order. I've always lumped the United Order in with polygamy as odd practices of the early Church that no one was really excited about bringing back. Although, there's always been this lingering idea that at some point both might be put back into active use.

So, while we're waiting for the call to pack up and head east to Missouri, I thought it wouldn't hurt to at least get a taste of practicing the Law of Consecration (we're going to hold off on polygamy for now). In the true spirit of the United Order, those that have been blessed in abundance can share their blessings with those that have not been righteous enough to have received the same bounteous blessings.

Starting Memorial Day weekend (May 22nd), the practice of the Law will begin with the availability of the following:

Four 2008 Skidoo jet skis - Arrange pick up times with Brother or Sister Morgan

One 2007 ski boat and trailer - Coordinate with the Hunsaker's - truck not provided.

RV and two dirt bikes (250cc) - Schedule with Brother Mortensen - don't forget to top off the gas before returning!

Town home in St. George - Just give the Peterson's a call to book your time

That should be a good start. If any of you have other suggestions for items that you'd like to see added to the practice, just let me know. I'm looking forward to a summer of increased brotherly love, communality , and great tans. We'll discontinue the practicing of the Law of Consecration after Labor Day weekend (September 7th).

Always Thinking of You,

Bishop Mike T. Young

Monthly Message, or Massage?

I have to give props to Brother Hicks - being a newer member of the Church isn't always easy. There are so many concepts to learn and he's trying his best to fulfill all of his commitments. As a High Priest, he was asked to home teach a couple of older single Sisters. However, there seems to have been a misunderstanding in this responsibility.

Brother Hicks came well-prepared for the visits with baby oil and a couple of towels. After a friendly introduction, he got right to business delivering the monthly massage, much to the initial surprise and shock of the Sisters. Not to mention his young companion, Bobby Miller. Brother Hicks just figured that the surprises resulted from lack of consistent visits in the past, and assured the Sisters that he was prepared and willing to deliver every month.

Now, when I first heard about this, I was struck with fear that these Sisters would not be coming back to Church, or they would file formal charges against Brother Hicks - but it's been the exact opposite. Not only have the Sisters expressed their thanks for their new Home Teacher's enthusiasm, but I've now had four other single Sisters (and two not-so-single Sisters) request Brother Hicks as their Home Teacher.

Brother Harris, on the other hand, requested to not have Brother Hicks visit him anymore.

Keep up the good work, Brother Hicks!

Sins of Omission

I've been asked several times in my still-short tenure as Bishop about sins of omission. These sins are typically less grievous than sins of commission, but can be serious just the same. Remember, "All that is needed for evil to triumph is for the good people to do nothing." So, you can sin doing the wrong thing. You can sin by doing the right thing at the wrong time. Or, you can sin by doing nothing at all. Basically, most people can safely assume that they're sinning in some form about 90% of the time (99% of the time for senior executives at AIG). However, these sins do not generally need to be confessed.

Here are a few examples to serve as a guide:

Forgot to have daily family scripture study, forgot daily family prayer, didn't have weekly FHE, didn't pay tithing, forgot to keep the Sabbath day holy, didn't love thy neighbor - sins of omission

Didn't home teach or visit teach for a month - on the line, after three months it definitely becomes a sin of omission

Failing to visit the sick and elderly - Yup - sins of omission, unless the elderly smell like mildew

Hiding from Brother Hams after sacrament meeting to avoid his hugging - not a sin of omission

Knocking doors lightly as a missionary hoping the inhabitants don't hear - maybe a sin of omission

Not passing out a Book of Mormon to the traveler sitting peacefully beside you on a airplane listening to an iPod - not a sin

Get to know the Ward Newbies

Please join me in raising the right hand of fellowship to the Nelson family! They’ve moved to our Ward from Ephraim after an outbreak of the avian tape worm wreaked havoc on their turkey farm. John Nelson and his wife Eileen are parents to Samuel, Salomon, Sariah, Sampson, Sarah, Saul, Sadie, and Sage.

Ummm, perhaps someone could quietly hint to Brother Nelson that the Earth is now sufficiently replenished? Any more multiplying should be limited to their pets.

New Nursery Equipment!

I’ll admit to a reality – when selecting members for Ward Nursery Leaders, we take what we can get. We start with high-hopes, but after the normal turn-downs, we end up with people who just cave to the pressure of authority. Typically, the percentage of members turning down this calling is about 4x that of the second least-popular calling of the Ward: Gospel Doctrine teacher.

With the unpopularity of the Nursery in mind, I’ve received approval from the Stake to install some new playground equipment right in the Nursery room. Moms, instead of trying to perform stealth get-aways, only to hear your child screaming when they turn around and don’t see you there – they’ll run to the Nursery! You have to admit - every once in a while, the Spirit helps me come up with a really great idea.

To help pay for the nursery equipment Brother Grissel has offered to donate his time performing lip waxings (Sisters only) for only $10 ($25 for Sister Canter). Additionally, Sister Grissel will be teaching a class this Tuesday night at 7pm at the Church on creative jello sculptures – just $15!

Fundamentalist Self-Check

Within the diverse LDS culture there are varying degrees of beliefs and practices. One classification that Mormons can fall under is, 'fundamentalist.' While it may be that this classification normally infers some multi-wife practices, that's not the only way to reach this level of 'commitment.'

So, for those of you wondering whether, or not, you might be viewed by Gentiles as a fundamentalist, I decided to create the following self-check list of items. Generally, if you can answer to the affirmative on greater than three of the following, chances are, you'd be considered a fundamentalist (among other things) by those that know you:

You actually use the word, 'Gentile,' under any circumstance other than reading directly from the Bible.

When reading last summer about the raid on the FLDS compound in Texas, did you find yourself thinking, "Those poor men. Why can't the government just get off their backs and leave them alone!"

Do you have a five year supply of food, water, fuel, and ammo in a backyard bunker?

Do you have a license to operate a HAM radio? 1/2 pt. if you even know what a HAM radio is.

Do you have a concealed-weapons permit, or even believe it's a right to carry a handgun to Church?

Does your van still sport the bumper sticker, "Bo Gritz - God, Guns, and Gritz!"

As a Scout Master, did you feel that the Wilderness Survival merit badge should include a 10-day survival trial by the Scout, instead of just one night?

Do you have trouble sleeping at night at the thought of your graduating child attending the increasingly-liberal BYU, instead of continuing their home schooling?

You'd rather talk about a New World Order than listen to New Order

Do you refuse to engage in loud laughter and look down your nose at those who do?

You sincerely believe that no man has yet to walk on the moon and no man shall ever do so.

Postum and hot chocolate are against the word of wisdom because they are "hot drinks."

And the big one - You're convinced that Polygamy will indeed make a glorious comeback, and you've already picked out a few eligible young ladies to proposition?

Do you have any further additions to the list? Please share in the comments!

Your always loving,

Bishop Mike T. Young

Ward YM/YW Activities Calendar

I know the youth will be as excited as I am when they see these fantastic upcoming activities! Ah, to be a youth again...

Tuesday, April 28th
Deacons - Rock climbing at The Quarry - Don't forget permission slips!
Teachers - Ice fishing at Scofield Reservoir - leaving at 3pm- need permission slips
Priests - Night skiing at Brighton - Also need permission slips

Young Women - Combined activity: Quilt tying basics taught by Sister Lowe (a great skill to have in such tough times!)

Tuesday, May 5th
Deacons - Marksmanship at the Provo indoor gun club - Don't forget permission slips
Teachers - Swimming merit badge at the Springville pool
Priests - Indoor Laser Tag in Provo - Need to bring those permission slips again

Young Women - Combined for guest speaker Sister Carter from the SF 388th Ward, "Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts Unceasingly"

I can just feel the excited anticipation in the air. The only downside of having so many great activities is trying to decide which group to spend my valuable time with.

Food Storage Update

Well, this past Monday I took my own advice and headed to Costco with my wife for FHE. To my shock (and initial horror), we found a kind, older Sister dishing up SPAM for a sample. And if you're thinking that she must have been one lonely sample lady with no takers, you'd be sadly mistaken. The table was packed with SPAM fans. They couldn't get that steaming, greasy mystery-meat into their mouths fast enough!

Then the inspiration hit me: food storage, baby! I once heard that the only things that would survive a nuclear blast are cockroaches and SPAM. This sounds perfect for some emergency food, and upon carefully inspecting the label I knew this was truly a whispering of the Spirit.

In one teeny-tiny can of SPAM, you have all of the daily caloric needs of a fully-grown adult. And as a bonus, you get enough sodium for an entire week. Low cost, high caloric and fat content, in a sealed metal can - it might as well of had a glowing halo around it. So, build your storage up now before the FDA steps in!

Just watching the sample lady preparing that juicy SPAM brought back memories of my childhood. Those luscious lumps of pink meat getting shaken out of the can accompanied by that sucking sound as all the SPAM jelly is displaced. We'd cut that tender pile of goodness into 1-inch think slabs and fry those little babies up. Mmmmm... SPAM memories.

Relief Society Homemaker Kits - now only $1,110

Sister Morgan has come up with a unique kit that can be a solid starting-point for all LDS households, and saves the Sister's the time of putting it together themselves. Plus, Sister Morgan has been blessed with lots of money, and thus has very good taste. The kits include:

One of the new black & white temple pictures of the temple you were married in, or the one you would like to be sealed in, or the Salt Lake temple if neither of the first two apply.

One 12 inch marble Christus statue

Three Willow Tree statues. One of a family praying, one of a mother holding a child, and one of a mother with eight kids taking a Xanax (a new limited-edition statue)

Hilarious joke painting of Mark Twain being baptized by Brigham Young, while Tom, Huck and Jim stand around them. You just have to see it.

Three old, unique, black & white pioneer pictures that you can claim were your ancestors walking across the plains

Two needle-points of Jesus - one around a group of kids and the other carrying a sheep

Money-back guarantee if you don't feel the spirit upon entering the front room!

New Ward Callings

Please join me in congratulating the following on their new callings:

Sister Hicks – Primary male-teacher supervisor. Watches for closed doors when men are teaching, or kids in a ‘time-out’ on a male teacher’s lap. Remember – two men minimum per class, and doors open!

Brother Bertle – tends the Nursery’s pet turtle. Sometimes I kill myself.

Brother Noggin – Ward shotgun safety instructor

Sister Noggin – Ward deer meat specialist

Brother Hicks – Napping High Priest nudger

TK Smoothie

We had a lively discussion in Sunday School today about the Kingdoms. Much of the discussion centered around what conditions one could expect in the different Kingdoms of Heaven. I got the distinct feeling that Brother Marks is shooting for the Telestial Kingdom, since it's rumored not to be that bad after all, and not require so much effort in this life.

In Mormonism, we have an expanded picture of life that extends before this mortal life and then on into the eternities. However, when you really dig into this, it turns out that we have very few details on what to expect after this life, and the details we do have come mostly from talks given almost 175 years ago. And to say that our expectations of 'Heaven,' have changed quite a bit since then is a gross understatement.

Despite all the speculation, one detail that we know for sure: unless you make it to the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom, there will be no eternal sex. Basically, you'd be turned into a Telestial/Terrestrial Kingdom Smoothie (TK Smoothie). I like to imagine these lesser-Kingdoms as the Barbie & Ken Kingdoms. Everyone walking around looking beautiful and perfect for eternity, but having a smooth under-carriage like Barbie or Ken.

Most of us would think, "I've got to make it into the CK to keep my package intact," but, after some serious studying and pondering, I have some reservations about the Highest-of-Highs.

First and foremost is the elephant-in-the-room issue: Polygamy. All of the information we have about a genitalia-enabled afterlife comes from the early prophets. And they clearly tied entry into the highest degree in the CK to the practice of polygamy. If you ever want to push a hot-button at Ward Temple Night, bring up this topic. So, to keep the privates intact, there's going to be lots of sharing going on. While the early leaders of the Church were really keen on the idea of multiple wives and herds of children, it's hard to find many supporters of this today in Relief Society. And as for the men that are for it, most really creep me out.

Secondly, the only purpose mentioned for keeping the family jewels is, 'eternal progression.' This means that men and their 1,000+ wives can't just find a quiet nook in Heaven to build their own Playboy mansion (any takers, Sisters?). There has to be kids involved, and we're not just talking a few, but billions. Billions, upon billions. Upon more billions. Eternal billions. More than McDonald's has served, and Madoff has stolen, billions. And who gets to tend all these billions of children? Maybe Angelina and Brad, but I digress...

The bottom line is, I'm not convinced that a TK Smoothie isn't the way to go. Even as such a loving Bishop, I hate visiting the Nursery. When little Tommy Milsap wet his pants while sitting on my lap last month, it took everything I had not to bless that child with the laying-on-of-hands. And I'm supposed to be excited about an eternity spent having endless children?

Can there be a classification for, 'Celestial Grandparents,' for those of us who are finished raising kids, want only one spouse, would prefer keeping what we currently have in the nether-area, but wouldn't mind just occasional visits to our children and grandchildren who decide that eternal child bearing/rearing is for them, and then coming back to the peace and quiet of our own, private Celestial-abode?

We're long-overdue for a refresher doctrine covering the afterlife. If 10% gets you polygamy and endless children, I bet a 15% option just to opt-out of these while being able to live in the CK and visit loved ones would be really popular these days.

Am I alone in my concerns? I have to raise this one with The Brethren, for sure. Does anyone know if they have anonymous suggestion boxes?

Bishop Young

FHE Idea - Costco!

Here's an idea that I had while building my two-year supply of tater-tots and Diet Coke: Costco could serve as a great host for a family night.

You could (at least in Utah) head first to the book section and pick up a great new book by a General Authority, like, 'Saying it Like It Is,' by Sheri Dew. Then, migrate to the home and garden area where the family can gather around one of the patio furniture tables on display for the reading time.

Moving next to the cheap keyboard displays, you can sing a quick little Primary song without drawing too much attention, except from the child stalkers.

Next, swing by the games aisle to let the kids get a good look at what they won't be getting for Christmas.

And finally - snack time! The variety of snack offered by Costco is fantastic! I've also found that if you make a slow 30-minute track around all the snack servers, that you can go around at least 2-3 times before they start to recognize you.

There you have it! A fun-filled FHE night at Costco that requires zero prep work.

You're welcome!

Bishop Young

Feel the Inspiration

One of my favorite pastimes as a Bishop is pondering, whether at home, or in Sacrament meeting. My wife tries to call it 'napping,' but it's definitely pondering. It just so happens that pondering is more effective for me with my eyes closed.

Well, one of the inspirations that hit me during a long pondering session was a way to increase spirituality among the Ward leaders. I've long drawn inspiration from my Grandfather Jacob. He was not only a Bishop and Stake President, but the founder of the first men's softball league in Spanish Fork - a true visionary.

To feel inspired by Grandpa Jacob, I only need to look upon his urn sitting on my fireplace mantle. Just knowing that a piece of him (actually all pieces) are there fills me with inspiration. (Sister Stone called as the Ward baked goods and pickle-canning advisor? Yep! - It was Grandpa Jacob.) So, I've decided to share Grandpa (literally) with the Ward leaders!

Starting this Sunday, Grandpa Jacob will be making the rounds to each leader's house for one week. He can be placed in a prominent position within the front room where his influence might be best felt and pondered upon. Then each week, the recipient can return-and-report.

If this idea creeps you out, we can substitute the urn with a picture of Grandpa Jacob, but I can't guarantee the same level of inspiration.

Just a quick note - no séances or Ouija boards should be used to try and directly communicate with Grandpa. Rubbing the urn is acceptable, as is including it in your family prayer circle.

Feel the inspiration!
Bishop Young

Economic Relief

Due to the rapidly-deteriorating economy, I thought we should be creative and facilitate some intra-Ward opportunities for those in need of some extra cash. So, I've spent a lot of time developing what I feel is a fair price sheet for some of the common items that we're asked to do as members, but would really rather not do - and in some cases would pay to have someone else receive these 'blessings.'

Feel free to haggle (or Indian leg wrestle) for better pricing:

Write normal sacrament talk ------- $30
Write funny sacrament talk --------- $40
Give the talk for you ------------------ $60

Home Teaching visit ------------------ $10/family
Visiting Teaching visit ---------------- $10/visit
VT Phone Call -------------------------- $5/call
VT Email -------------------------------- $2/email

Write SS/EQ/RS Lesson ------------- $15/lesson
Teach SS/EQ/RS Lesson ------------ $25/lesson
Teach Primary Class (2 hr) ---------- $15

Attend Bishopric Meeting ----------- $15
Attend PEC Meeting ------------------ $12
Attend Ward Council Meeting ------ $10 ($12 before 9am)
Attend Ward Welfare Meeting ------ $14 ($16 before 9am)
Attend Stake Planning/Prep Mtg --- $40

Attend Temple Recommend Interview ---- $30, plus $10 per confessed sin
Give Temple Recommend Interview (Bishops only) - $20, plus $20 per confessed sin unless it's interesting

Visit loved ones ------------------------ $30/hr non-elderly, $60/hr elderly

Overhead in CTR Class

As the Bishop, I get the opportunity to visit Primary classes whenever I feel like it (no, Sister Richard, the coincidence that this always falls on the day you're teaching Sunday School is just a coincidence). I choose regularly to attend the younger children's classes, since that where all the good info is shared by the kids. Here's a sampling of this week's remarks by these little angels:

Bobby T.: My Dad has a beard growing on his back
Mia S.: My Mom has a beard growing on her face

Samuel Y: When I'm bad, my Mommy has to take a drink of the special medicine on the top shelf. It's only for Mommies and Daddies.

Kari L: My Mommy's boyfriend is sometimes at our house very early in the morning and makes us pancakes

Tommy N: I saw the tooth fairy last night, and he wears garments just like my Dad

General Conference Jitters

In approaching another Conference weekend where a new apostle will be named, is it just me that gets nervous about possibly receiving 'The Call'? My palms are getting sweaty just typing this.

Would I go with Mike T. Young? Perhaps pull an J. Golden Kimball with M. Terrance Young, or maybe just MT Young?

Well, I guess we'll see what happens in a few days. Anyone care to take bets at 1:8 odds?

Nuts, that probably just lowered my chances.

Love,

Fingers-crossed-in-Spanish-Fork

Spring is in the air

Unfortunately, Spring is only in the air if you live in Southern California or Florida. In Utah, we're having blizzards and road closures. We probably could use the snow for water this summer, but couldn't the Lord send the snow between December - February? April and May should be rain-only, and then limited to two days per week.

Let's start a Ward fast for no snow! I think the Pioneers did this a few times. Sure, it didn't work out to well for the Donners, or Willie handcart companies, but I'm sure there were success stories that we can cherry-pick as inspiration. Let's start today! The no-to-snow fast!

Avoiding Even the Appearance of Evil Month

Please join me this month in abstaining from the following to practice avoiding the appearance of evil:

- Drinking root beer and O'Douls
- Saying, "fetch," and/or, "Oh My Gosh!"
- Eating at any restaurant with, 'Sports Bar' in its title
- Watching cable TV after 7pm
- Wearing non-white shirts to church (men only)
- Growing facial hair, unless there's a dermatological issue (women get a pass on this one)
- Playing of pool or darts

Mormon Randoms

I have it on good authority that she can - and does.

Feel the Love!

Whether you live inside our official Ward boundaries (both blocks), or not - become a virtual Ward Member by clicking on the, 'Follow and connect with your friends!' link to the right. We accept all, and turn away none (except the creepy Unibomber-Joaquin Phoenix-types). Welcome, Saints and Sinners alike!

Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin

To help us better understand the power of, 'Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin,' I thought we could use some practice. Here are a few to get us started:

Brother Hamm - struggling with impure thoughts
Brother Quinn - Hasn't home taught for four months
Sister Hart - hint: scarlet letter
Brother Rogers - Speaking ill of leader (yes, I found out - we'll talk)
Billy Marr - He's fourteen, and a boy, so use your imagination
Sister Salls - Rhymes with 'realing'

Well, I think that's a good start. More to come...

J.o.D. Gem #2 - Men on the Moon and Sun

You've got to hand it to the early church leaders - they were bold in their proclamations. One of the bold proclamations of Brigham Young made, was concerning the Moon and Sun:

"Who can tell us of the inhabitants of this little planet that shines of an evening, called the moon?...when you inquire about the inhabitants of that sphere you find that the most learned are as ignorant in regard to them as the ignorant of their fellows. So it is in regard to the inhabitants of the sun. Do you think it is inhabited? I rather think it is. Do you think there is any life there? No question of it; it was not made in vain. It was made to give light to those who dwell upon it, and to other planets; and so will this earth when it is celestialized." (Journal of Discourses, vol. 13, p. 271)

Ok, so obviously there was some speculation here - but I love it! Just think of how much more interesting General Conference would be these days, if we could look forward to talks like this. I'd love to have a few, "What did he just say!" moments. I say - Bring back the mind-expanding talks! Too often we focus on circling the wagons - let's exanding our frontiers and dream!

Whew - I need a nap.

MormonAd

I've always been impressed by the quality and humor of the MormonAds. I just saw this ad yesterday, and have to admit that I found it much more humorous than most. I actually thought at first that it was a spoof. I'd love to see this kind of diversity in Wards, but while living in the West all my life, I have not seen this many non-white members in my entire life of attending church. Maybe I just need to drive further than Nephi sometime...

Mormonisms - Addressing Literalness

In the wake of rising literalness within the LDS community, the Church is proactively warning of some things that should not be taken literally. This week, The Brethren warned against literally, 'Putting one's shoulder to the wheel,' and included the following picture:




The Brethren also confirmed that:

1. Story of a man being swallowed by a whale for several days? Literal.

2. The turning of Lot's wife into salt? Yup, still literal.

Currently being debated, however, is the story of all languages coming from a Tower in Babel. The location of the Tower may have been Samaria.

More updates coming next month. Anyone want to bet on the outcome for witches and sorcerers?

Octomom Clarification

If you're like me, you've been captivated by all the news surrounding the shocking details of, 'Octomom'. However, discussions of this 'Octomom,' in Church the past two weeks has caused some hard feelings and misunderstandings. Three of our to-remain-anonymous sisters thought all this discussion was about their choice to single-handedly try and re-populate the upper bench of Spanish Fork.

So, I exhort you to use the real name when referring to the freak-show Octomom, 'Nadya Suleman,' and continue showing discretion when talking about our kind Ward Octomoms.

Ward Spotlight - Pick the Ailment

As a sort of Ward Spotlight, I thought it'd be fun for everyone to try and match up the following Ward members with their current ailment. See me on Sunday for the answer sheet.


1. Sister Carpenter
2. Sister Lowe
3. Brother Jackson
4. Sister Arrington

a. Thyroid problem
b. Erectile dysfunction
c. Depression
d. Restless leg syndrome

I guess I should have included at least one more man in the roundup. Next time.

Timeless Advice for Men

I'm all about likening the scriptures unto myself, frequently finding great advice from the past.

For example, take this advice:

"And again I say unto you, my friends, for from henceforth I shall call you friends, it is expedient that I give unto you this commandment, that ye become even as my friends in days when I was with them, traveling to preach the gospel in my power;

For I suffered them not to have purse or scrip, neither two coats.

Therefore, let no man among you, for this commandment is unto all the faithful who are called of God in the church unto the ministry, from this hour take purse or scrip, that goeth forth to proclaim this gospel of the kingdom." - D&C 84:77-78, 86

I can only imagine the humiliation that countless of men were saved from by following this advice, whereas otherwise they may have had to put up with all sorts of juvenile jeers like, "Hey, look at that dude carrying a purse!" and "Hey, Mr. Missionary, is that your Momma's purse?" or even, "Hey, dork - what's up with the two coats?"

As far as the scrips go, that seems to be taking it a bit too far. Or, maybe it's a good chance to meet some local doctors.

Again, thank goodness for timeless, inspired advice.

BYU announces two new classes for Fall '09- GA Preparation

Staring in the Fall, BYU will enhance its religious instructions to include two classes for General Authority Preparation (GA Prep 401 and 402). Sorry Sisters, these are Brethren-only classes.

According to BYU Religious Professor Boyd P. Laker, "We felt that the Missionary Prep classes were very successful in preparing our students to enter the mission field. In this spirit, we thought that additional post-mission preparation would be helpful for those who believe they might be on-track to be a future General Authority."

For those young men who feel that they might meet the pre-requisites (* see below), here's a topic overview of the two classes:

GA Prep 401

Selecting the right color of black or dark blue suit

Approved haircuts (a two minute lecture)

How to match scripture cover to shoe and belt color (a.k.a - GA accessorizing)

How to select the proper necktie color and knot

How to avoid loud laughter and the appearance of evil

How to look sincere while reading from a teleprompter

Remembering small details of service you performed in your early years

Which celebrities are really Mormons - cutting through the myths

Proper voice intonation

GA Family Tree (all seven branches explored)


GA Prep 402

How to scorn sinners with a loving smile

Parallels in managing Utah legislation and the Wizard of Oz

How to support Mitt Romney

Catholics, an Historical Review - from Church-of-the-Devil to Fellow-Crusaders-Against-Gay-Marriages

Mark Hoffman - test of faith

How to cut down and carve a cherry tree that your grandfather planted to make a podium

Temple Square underground tunnel navigation course

Polygamy - celestial requirement, or eager-beaver Pioneers

J. Golden Kimball - lessons in constructive and creative swearing

*Pre-requisites - High spirituality test, scripture recital of all seminary and mission scriptures, temple recommend, very little hair, 6'0"+ preferred, bonus points for Utah native or professional sports-hopefuls.

**non-US citizens can apply, but will only be accepted on a strictly 1% ratio to US natives.

Variation in Prayers - Blessings

I'm going to go out on a limb here in saying that I may not be the only one who, at times, gets bored during prayers where the same things are constantly repeated. I've tried mixing it up lately in my personal prayers, and thought my Ward members might also appreciate hearing these ideas. Especially since I usually have great idea.

So, here are some of my new 'blessings' that I'm thankful for (feel free to crib these in your own prayers):

1 - I'm thankful I didn't have to march across the plains. Pushing a cart for five miles last summer on the Ward 'activity' was enough for me. Someone in my group (will remain anonymous) stunk like a bull elephant by mile one, and Sister You-Know-Who's constant singing of hymns left me wanting to exercise the 'laying-on-of-hands,' if you know what I mean.

2 - I'm thankful for Macy's. As the Lord's true grocery store here in Utah, the ability to charge food to the Ward is truly inspired. Not to mention regular free meal samples, and 20 lb whole wheat always in stock.

3 - I'm thankful for time limits in Fast and Testimony meetings. I'll admit - last week was a stretch for me. After a few 10-minute monthly recaps by our well-meaning members, I was wishing I had a spare Xanax.

4 - Speaking of Xanax, I'm thankful for prescription medication. Let's be honest, sometimes we're jealous of the non-LDS who are able to perform some mild self-medication after long days at the office or home. Unfortunately, we're out of luck in the self-med area (unless you count NyQuil). Fortunately, doctors in Utah are understanding of this issue.

5 - I'm thankful that I don't live in Santaquin, even with Gary Coleman.

6 - I'm thankful that Vegas is only a short five hours drive - for the shows and buffets.

7 - I'm thankful that I don't live next to the Wollens with their eight kids and three dogs. Whoops - I guess you all can't use that one!

8 - I'm thankful that we can send our teenage boys off to scout camp for a week at only $40. Best money I've ever spent.

9 - I'm thankful for my good looks and a great sense of humor. (Come see me for approval before using that one).

10 - I'm thankful for the inspiration I received when visiting the new temple in Draper. Did you see those surrounding houses? Amazing!

Our Heritage in Pictures

Brother Jebidiah Johnson didn't find the enthusiasm he expected from the ladies after completing his 'economic' hill-home in Payson in 1857.

Some Mormon Humor

You know you're in Utah County when:

A map of your Ward boundary covers only four blocks

Temple Recommends can be used as a second form of ID at the bank or Macy's

You think women shouldn't have kids past 33, since 34 kids are just way too many

You post-date checks written on Sundays

Your spouse's mother was pregnant at your wedding

To All the Youth

As we prepare again for Springtime, the time when young hormones run rampant, I thought it would be appropriate to remind the Ward youth of the following tidbits of advice that I've picked up over the years.

"A back rub in the front room leads to a front rub in the back room." - Bishop Maxwell, BYU 146st Ward

"A shower over 10 minutes is the devil's playground." - Mission President Bluthe

"What would Mitt do?" - Bishop Young

For the youth that do not follow this good advice, I'll be starting up the annual extended interview days March 21st - June 19th. During that period, interviews can be scheduled Sunday afternoon 2:30-5pm, Tuesday evenings 8-9pm, and Thursday evenings 7-9pm.

LDS Urban Legends: Bigfoot = Cain

In my younger days I remember reading, 'The Miracle of Forgiveness,' (for information purposes only, of course), and one of the stories that struck me at the time was Spencer W. Kimball's inclusion of the Cain as Bigfoot sighting. I'm considering a, 'Mormon Urban Legend Month,' where each sacrament talk has to include at least one such story. What do you think?

“On the sad character Cain, an interesting story comes to us from Lycurgus A. Wilson’s book on the life of David W. Patten. From the book I quote an extract from a letter by Abraham O. Smoot giving his recollection of David Patten’s account of meeting “a very remarkable person who had represented himself as being Cain.”

‘As I was riding along the road on my mule I suddenly noticed a very strange personage walking beside me… His head was about even with my shoulders as I sat in my saddle. He wore no clothing, but was covered with hair. His skin was very dark. I asked him where he dwelt and he replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro. He said he was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the earth, but that he could not die, and his mission was to destroy the souls of men. About the time he expressed himself thus, I rebuked him in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by virtue of the holy priesthood, and commanded him to go hence, and he immediately departed out of my sight…” (Miracle of Forgiveness, Spencer W. Kimball, pg 127, 1969)

Impending Doom Preparation

I've received a large number of inquiries as to the state of preparation of our Ward for the impending collapse of global financial system and the resulting state of wide-spread panic that may follow. So, I decided to publish some information for your reference in a worst-case scenario:

Ward HQ Location - The Hunsakers house. After moving the Hunsakers in their house last fall, along with their five, fully-stocked gun safes and crates of ammo, I'm designating their house to be the place where we, as a Ward, make our headquarters and last stand (if it comes to that). Having access to the Hunsakers' HAM radio is also a plus.

Ward Water Supply - Sponsored by the Sorensons. Like me, you've most likely noticed that half of the Sorensons garage is stacked with plastic water barrels, just waiting for the Big-One. So, in the case of an extreme emergency, we'll be moving this water to the Hunsakers' home. Sure, it's going to taste like drinking from un-filtered Salem pond water, but at least it's wet.

Ward Food Supply - Petersons, Hunsakers, and Smiths. After personally inspecting all Ward family's food supplies, it looks like these three are in the best spot to help out the rest of the Ward. Between them, there are enough MRE's to feed Johnson's army for three years. That should be plenty of time to build up our own supplies of corn, wheat, and dog.

More details coming...

Sacrament Talk Policy Update - "Intros"

Ok, this has been a pet peeve of mine for a very long time, and guess what? I'm now in a position to do something about it. I'm talking about the extended introduction that most speakers use to eat up a good five minutes of their alloted time with filler.

Everyone can agree on the following, with no need for each individual to state the obvious:

No one WANTS to give a talk in Church

You hate/blame/etc the Bishopric member that asked you to speak

It's been too short of time since you're last talk

You'll never answer another phone call from that number

You'll find a way to get back at the offending Bishopric member

You learned more from preparing the talk than those in attendance will learn from your talk

Ask yourself, "What would Mitt Romney do?"

Ward Policy Update

Not to let the Catholics have a leg up on us in bring back a past hit, our Ward was recently selected for a pilot program for the dispersement of limited 'indulgences'. To simplify this and not to seem as if we've borrowed their ideas, they will be referred to as a, 'sin pass.'

These sin passes are good for one sin per pass, not including The Big Three (please see me if you're not familiar with The Big Three). The sin pass is obtained only from the Bishop with an interview where good deeds and large donations are performed beyond the typical expectations.

Instead of then talking to the Bishop about an issue that concerns you, the sin pass can just be ripped up along with the guilt of that sin. Please note that the pass does not cover recurring sins - only one instance per pass.

For those not familiar with the idea behind indulgences, I'd recommend the following articles:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/10/nyregion/10indulgence.html

http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/13/sin-and-its-indulgences/

Clarification on "Hoe's"

I have to apologize for my initial reaction in Ward Council as Sister Larson brought up Sisters in our Ward and the issue of "hoe's." After chastising her for referring to our Ward Sisters in such a degrading manner, I realized she was talking about pantyhose usage. So, I thought some clarification on this issue is warranted.

First of all, I assure you that this is a conversation that would only ever be brought up in the United States. The prospect of most women around the world wrapping their legs in a petroleum by-product, just to look tan and sheer, is a non-starter. Other things, like food and heating, are just higher on the list of priorities.

Pantyhose were invented in 1959. So, for those of you imagining Emma Smith introducing pantyhose-wearing as a requisite for attendance to Relief Society - you can imagine no-more.

Please, move beyond the issue of judging people by such a silly, out-dated thing.

Now, non-leg-shavers - that's a whole other issue...

Our Heritage in Pictures

Despite reports to the contrary, early Mormons were very tolerant of different lifestyles, as can be witnessed here by the picture of Brother Rhoads, and his cross-dressing 'wife,' Lou.

Get to Know the Ward Newbies

We're having more changes of occupancy lately than a $10/hour motel. Our latest arrivals hark from just North of the border (Utah border, that is). Please welcome Brother Jeremiah Jeffs and Sister Mary Jeffs and Mary's live-in sister Rachel. Their children are as follows:
Moroni - 8
Mariah - 7
Sarah - 7
Ruth - 5
Benjamin - 4
Megan - 3
Esther - 2
Jeremiah Jr. - 1
Cathrine - 1

There's something 'special' about the family that I can't quite put my finger on. Welcome to the Ward!

New Ward Callings

Sister Grissel - Breath mint dispenser. Please send anonymous requests to Sis. Grissel to place those halitosis suffers on her 'hit list.' Better they suffer a bit of embarrassment than you suffer through two hours of sucking air in under your coat jacket.

Brother and Sister Morgan - Ward Activity Leaders. When the Lord blesses you so greatly with that new ski boat and SUV, the least you can do is help others see the light. Utah lake in the summer, baby!

Brother and Sister Jackson - Nursery Leaders. No, this isn't pay-back for their child wetting themselves on my lap during the last sharing time. Really. I promise.

LDS Urban Legends: Three Nephite Sitings

So, during a certain testimony this week there was again mentioned a supposed siting of the Three Nephites helping a stranded traveler fix their flat tire. Well, it was actually only one of the Three that was seen. To help in substantiating these sitings, The Brethren have requested the following:

Picture of alleged Three Nephite in action

Name of the Nephite/s involved

Right-thumb print

Detailed description of either a curelom or cumom

Please drop these off to me anytime. Turn-around time for authentication is currently around two weeks.

Sacrament Talk Policy Update - 'Wooden Swearing'

In light of recently accelerating use of 'substitute swearing,' during Sacrament meeting talks, I'd like to remind the Ward members that this really doesn't fool anyone. For those who haven't figured it out yet, the mind is a powerful tool that quickly translates 'fetch,' 'friggin,' 'heck,' 'shoot,' etc,' into their respective swear words rather efficiently.

Please refrain from using phrases with these substitute swear words while giving Sacrament talks (:cough: Brother Bell :cough:), as it only brings attention and focus to these words and reminds me of my days in the Navy and the Lindon cannery.

With Affection,

Bishop M.T. Young

Get to Know the Ward Newbies

This family trekked all the way from California, trading in bankrupt worldly hedonism for the Promised Land of low wages and over-crowed, under-funded school districts. Thankfully, they come with only two kids, so the primary doesn't have to split classes for the third time this year (two words: birth control - no longer a sin as it was in my days).

Let's hear it for the Harris family!

J.o.D. Gem #1 - The Fall of Rome

I believe the majority of Church lore and many LDS urban legends (along with a great deal of spiritual insight) are taught to kids during their seminary years. My teachers also tended, at times, to echo thoughts that they must have received at John Birch Society conventions or other extremely-conservative, pre-Rush Limbaugh sources.

One example that I remember is our teacher telling us that homosexuality brought down the Roman Empire. So, as a youngster I envisioned Rome filled with a bunch of merry-men strolling arm-in-arm down the streets of Rome. It wasn't until seeing Russel Crowe in The Gladiator (edited-version, of course) that all of these thoughts were vanquished.

So, imagine my surprise when I found out that Brigham Young did not state that the fall of Rome occurred due to homosexuality, but rather monogamy. That's correct - not man-with-man love, but man-with-only-one-woman love. Brigham heaped the evils of lust, fornication and prostitution at the feet of monogamy.

It's only my guess that not many women were in attendance at this meeting...

Journal of Discourse, Vol. 11, page 128 . (Click on 'Access this item' at the top of the page to access the text.)

JoD Gem's Overview

For those of you not familiar with the Journal of Discourses, it's a compilation of many of the speeches of the early Church leaders. Sort of like the current General Conference Ensigns, but also covering regular meeting talks by leaders. Early Saints were admonished to purchase and study from these compilations.

Some interesting things were recorded back-in-the-day that aren't exactly 'PC,' by today's standards and tend to make Saints today scratch or shake their heads. As the years pass, I almost get the feeling that if The Brethren could, they'd jettison the majority of these gems of history.

So, in preservation of our shared heritage I thought it might be interesting as we study early Church history this year in the D&C to dig into some of the interesting topics discussed in these volumes for supplementary information.

For reference, all Journal of Discourse entries will be linked to BYU JoD archives where the full text may be read at your leisure.

Pioneer Children

Is it only me, or can you see Pioneer Adults being driving mad by the Pioneer Children singing as they walked, and walked, and walked, and walked. I can imagine many a-times when the Pioneer Adults would yell, 'SHUT THE HECK UP!,' to those Pioneer Children. Crazy times, out there on those plains...

Ward Hugging Policy

It's come to my attention, that there are several Brethren of the Ward that have extended friendly hugging of Sisters into borderline-molesting. To address this issue, avoid embarrassment(and possible prosecution), please observe the following:

No hugs lasting longer than 3 seconds

No hugging of Sisters who would in all other realities be out of your league

If you hug a married Sister, you must also hug her husband for the same duration (still observing the 3 second rule)

No repeat hugging of the same Sister the following week, unless initiated by the Sister

Regardless of how, 'prompted by the Spirit,' you feel to hug these Sisters, chances are that these feelings are coming from another source (see instruction on Distinguishing Spirits ).

Blessings Shout-Out

Congrats go out to Brother and Sister Morgan on their new $40,000 Lexus SUV. We thought there might be a slowdown of blessings after their recent jet boat purchase and Sis. Morgan's, ummm, 'endowment,' but no! That we could all be so faithful...

Uber-Tithe Initiative

In initiating the new, 'Ubber-Tithe' program, we're hoping to highlight those that go the third-mile in personal sacrifice. This program is designed for those willing to contribute 15% of their income and will include the following perks:

Reserved 1/2 bench for Sacrament meeting (full bench for those with 7, or more, kids)

Refreshment in kitchen between 2nd and 3rd hour

Shuttle service to-and-from Church December-March

Computer cleaning for when the 'kids' wander onto 'those' sites

Free breath mints and/or gum on Fast Sunday (please, someone share these with Sister Merrill)

Signed copy of Janice Kapp Perry's CD, 'Come to the Manger'

Dinner for two with Steve Young (just kidding!)

Further suggestions?

Ward Calendar Update

March 7 - Mark your calendars now for the Mia-Maids-in-Waiting auction. To earn money for their YM camp this summer, the girls are going to the highest bidder for three hours of house cleaning services. (Sorry Brother Gentry, no bidding by single adults allowed this time).

Clarification of No-Props Policy

After this Sunday's talk by Brother Humbert, I feel a need to clarify The Bretheren's policy of props not being used in Sacrament talks.  This policy does extend to the use of prosthetics, even when detached from one's own body.  The, 'kicking Satan's butt,' with the fake leg certainly provided a vivid and unforgettable image, however I'm afraid that it's still a no-go.  So in the future, let's please try to limit ourselves to using only the sciptures and Kleenex's.

Much Love,

Bishop Young

Ward Calendar Update

Feb. 14 - HP Group Valentine Night - For all frugal adults that would rather spend the evening in the company of their fellow High Priests than fighting those youngins' at the ice cream bar in Chuck-A-Rama.  Red jello will be available to decorate with frosting for that special someone.

Raison d'etre

As a newly-called Bishop of the SF 401st Ward, I've decided to follow the recent council from The Brethern and participate in this new-fangled communication medium - blogging.  Ward members and visitors are welcome.  Check in frequently!

Love,

Bishop Mike T. Young