Tuesday, May 5, 2009

That We Could All Be Like - Satan?

During the Sunday School discussion this week, as it frequently does, the topic turned to Satan and how he's everywhere and into all our business, trying desperately to lead us astray with the help of the liberal media. Honestly, I'm not sure how Satan really made it before the age of television, movies and recorded music. Did Renaissance mothers warn their children of the evils of the lute-players and picket the gay Shakespearian actors?

All this talk about Satan led me to ponder on the subject for some time, and after waking up from my intense pondering I felt warmed by the Spirit, although it could have just been the chili. Satan remains an enigma, but here are a few of my thoughts to help build some discussion.

Let's face it, Satan is one hell of a dedicated guy, or as my mother would say, "he's been a real trooper."

For over six thousand years on earth, The Evil One has shown tireless dedication to The Plan and has played his role of opposition to perfection. Think about that - Perfection. It's been pure busting-his-hump-evil for all these thousands of years. He's had no long weekends, no vacations, and has had to serve as a role model for billions of other pathological liars, thieves, psychopaths, and pig-body-snatchers. The only real benefit I can think of is not having to worry about rising health-care costs. That we could all be so dedicated!

Over this time he's been called the worst of names: The Dragon, the Devil, the Tempter, a snake - and those are just the English names. Rumor has it that the Italians and Spaniards are much harsher. Most would have just packed it up and gone home after only a few centuries of such treatment, but not Satan. He's committed to the bitter end.

So, what's in it for Satan for playing this role perfectly for all these millennium? Eternal damnation. Yup, all this hard work and it's, "Thanks for giving us a perfect 100%, now off you go to Outer Darkness." I can't imagine what this Outer Darkness would be like, other than really crowded. We've been told that 1/3 of the pre-mortal spirits chose, for some reason, to follow The Dark Side - way before Anakin Skywalker made it hip.

Counting those that have lived on the earth, we would have to be approaching 50 billion full-time evil-doers. That's more evil spirits walking around than McDonald's has served in hamburgers. And I believe we're only counting humans here, not Neanderthals, Cro-Magnons, etc. Regardless, it's going to shoulder-to-shoulder in that Outer Darkness. Even if Satan was only to give a quick 5-second air-high-five to all these followers, it would take him over 475,000 years. I suppose there won't be much else to do in The Darkness besides gnash teeth, so all the high-fives might serve as a welcomed distraction.

Satan's also had to put up with a real drop-off in main-stream support lately. Back in the day, there were witches, demons, possessed animals, etc., all over the place. Then, people really got it together and started burning the witches. Well, sometime in the eighteenth century the interest in witchcraft as a career really fell out of favor with the ladies. These days, it's just the nuts that claim to be witches, and anyone that witnesses a body-possession is put away for their own safety. There still exists some childhood fears of monsters, but overall it seems that Satan's golden years are behind him.

Through all of this general decline in interest, Satan still keeps plugging away. Year, after year.

And just think - all Satan would have to do to completely thwart The Plan would be to sit down and do absolutely nothing. Do no evil, provide no opposition, refuse to do his part - just, do nothing at all. Within a minute, he could turn the whole Plan upside-down and really stick it to the Man. Surely I'm missing something here. It just seems too easy.

So hopefully, Satan doesn't read blogs and has more evil things to do than surf the Net. I'd hate to be held accountable for providing Satan with the idea of how to wreck The Plan and leave us to our own evil devices. It certainly didn't work out well for those Lord of the Flies kids. It'd be a dark day indeed if we had to focus on fixing ourselves instead of blaming The Evil One.

Always Feeding the Sheep,

Bishop Mike T. Young


  1. I'm glad that *somebody* finally appreciates all the hard work I do. but that "photoshopped" picture of me is an insult! Just for that, I'm hiding your car keys.


  2. That's okay. My favorite miracle is finding lost car keys! Get behind me Satan! Uh, well, perhaps I'd prefer you staying where I can keep an eye on you.

  3. Bishop Mike,
    I'm new in this ward and am startled by the number of times I felt the spirit while reading your obviously inspired comments on Satan. Keep your shoulder to the wheel, but not too close!

  4. I can hear the new Primary song now, "I'm trying to be like Satan, I'm following in his ways..."

  5. Preston - Thanks for the remarks. Can you give our Sacrament talk this Sunday (Mother's Day)? I know it's late notice, but it's not like it's Father's Day, or Priesthood Restoration Day. Thanks!

    Michael - I wouldn't just pass out such a great idea freely. Many have made a lucrative career of filling primary hymn books. Just sayin...

  6. Bishop Young,

    What you don't know is that Satan took an hour off when the Beatles appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show on Feb 9, 1964. It is reported that crime rates plummeted all over the United States during that hour. All of the evil-doers took an hour off to watch the Fab 4 perform. I assume that Satan was watching the show because no one was even tempted to do wrong during that holy hour. In spite of this fact "The Plan" was not thwarted. Therefore, your theory has already been disproven. Satan has already tried the "do nothing" approach and it failed! Satan is such a loser! I hope that puts your mind at ease.

  7. Bishop Young,
    Thank you for the invitation to speak in sacrament this Sunday. As a general rule, I require at least two weeks notice to speak at any event, especially sacrament meeting (I actually know a lady who does this because she knows no bishopric on earth schedules speaking victims more than 7 days in advance.....she hasn't spoken since the plan was implemented!!!). That being said, I would hate to leave you empty handed so I'll suggest Billy Marr as a first point of contact!

  8. Preston - fair enough. And you're absolutely correct. For a two-week notice, we'd have to put the Relief Society in charge.