Monday, December 14, 2009

Sanitary Sacrament

Last week several members noticed that Johnson kid sneezing over the bread tray, and looked on in horror as the Deacon continued to pass the tray of the sneezed-on bread to additional isles. Well, since Tuesday when the boy was diagnosed with swine flu, I’ve had calls from more than ten concerned members asking if germs can stay alive on blessed bread. I really don’t have an answer for the germs-on-holy-bread question, but this incident has prompted me to make some long-needed changes to our method of administering the sacrament to ensure a safe and sanitary forgiveness of sins.

So, here’s the plan (pending approval from The Stake Brethren):

Starting next week, sacrament preparation of the bread will begin with viewing the Priests and Deacons (via a live video feed shown on a wall-mounted LCD) performing a, ‘scrubbing-in’ procedure. This will be very similar to the procedure that we’re all familiar with from watching Grey’s Anatomy and E.R. They will use surgical-grade anti-bacterial soap with small brushes to scrub their hands and arms up to their elbows. Then, an also-sanitized adult assistant will help place protective rubber gloves on their hands, and a face mask to cover their mouth and nose.

While delivering the bread to the members, the Deacons will stand at the end of each row, and members will stand and individually file past them to receive the bread from the gloved-hand of a Deacon, then circle back around to their bench. This eliminates the health risk from all of the children’s unsanitary fingers rifling through the bread to get the biggest, non-crust pieces. And if a sneeze occurs, that Deacon and his tray will be retired for the day.

After partaking of the bread, the Priests will say the normal blessing on the water, but they will be blessing the water in the hallway drinking fountains. Sometime during the remainder of the Sunday services, each member can take a sanitary sip of water from the several fountains around the building at their leisure. There should be enough water in the tanks at the time of the blessing to last all the way through the week. Members can even grab a drink after playing basketball, with the added benefit of wiping the sin-slate clean of any offensive language used during the game (definitely a plus for Brother Markie).

Yours for a Sanitary Holiday Season,

Bishop Young


  1. Now, if we can only expand these new sanitary measures to include Scout Camp BBQ's, we're all set.

  2. I remember for years seeing the priests use little sani-hand wipes. Was that a regional thing? Why don't we just bring that back?

  3. Southern+ : Haven't you read that Scouts Camps are responsible for building at least 40% of a boys immunity system?

    Vanessa: Swine flu is no laughing matter!

    Elizabeth: Do you realize the cost of the millions of these sani-hand wipes it would take to provide sanitary sacrament to all of the members world-wide every week? Where would we get the money to send the Young Men laser tagging?

  4. Haha! This is the first time I have stumbled across your blog and wasn't sure if you were serious or not until I got to the Grey's Anatomy part. You must know The Inappropriate Bishop Higgins...?

  5. Brandon - Glad you found the Ward. Yes, I do know Bishop Higgins - a like-minded Servant of the Lord, I'm sure.

  6. I hate to bring this up, as it is such a delicate situation...but.....drinking fountains are disgusting. Have you not seen the Perkins kid wrap his entire mouth around the spigot as snot pours down his nose? Lets just go with the bottle of wine. We each bring our own cup, you pour it as we walk by?

  7. See... that's why us Mormons live so long. It isn't because of the Word of Wisdom. It's because taking the sacrament has supercharged our immune systems. *wink*

    I was told that "back in the day" everyone taking the water took a sip out of the same cup. We've come a long way.