Friday, September 4, 2009

Ward Calendar Update

Thursday, September 10th - Enrichment Night: "Making More From Less." Unlike the name suggests, it's not a lesson on the effects of overeating or alchemy, but rather some insightful strategies of running an efficient household.

Sunday, September 13th - Welcome back Elder Clemens! Yes, it's only been eight months since his farewell, but he's returning home for mental health issues. We want to make sure he receives a warm welcome and feels right at home with the 65% of our adult Ward members currently using anti-depression medication.

Tuesday, September 15th - Combined Youth Activity: "The Dangers of Pre-Marital Sex" If the normal Sunday School lessons hasn't scarred scared them enough, perhaps pictures of people suffering from genital herpes, the clap, crabs, and syphilis will. Snacks will be served.

Thursday, September 17th - Temple Night! Wahoo! Mark your calendars now for that one night a month you can feel good about being a cheap-skate. Root beer jello shooters and ice cream will be served afterwards at Brother and Sister Snyder's house.


  1. Poor Elder Clemens. I could tell during his farewell speech in Sacrament Meeting that he was a little nervous about going out into the field. Everyone on my pew said that him muttering, "Don't make me go!" over and over again under his breath didn't mean anything, but I had my doubts. Another major hint was when you had to hand him a second box of tissues as he stood at the podium. Bishop, do you feel any guilt for sending him out in the first place?

  2. Vanessa - I'm glad to see you're so in-tune with the other members. I thought he was muttering something about, "taking in a show," and chocked it up to some last-minute plea for a good movie. So much for the Spirit. I'll tell him the next bottle of Xanax is on me.

  3. Bishop,

    Perhaps to show Elder Clemens that you support him, and that he shouldn't be ashamed of his "mental issues," you could give him a calling. You know, something harmless like teaching the deacons.

    I know I always appreciated it when a "troubled" individual was granted repeated unfettered access to me as an impressionable young man. After all, he's a member of the ward; what harm could he do!

  4. Little Voice - With your screen name, it's a bit ironic to bring up "mental issues"... But, you make a good point. Deacon's quorum it is!