Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Looking Forward to the Good Life

In past posts I've pondered on some of the questions that remain as to the logistics of the afterlife experience. As I found myself pondering upon this topic again while watching, 'So You Think You Can Dance,' I realized that no matter what it's like in the celestial realm, there will most certainly be some positive changes:

  • Home teaching - If God's capable of reading the minds, and hearing/sorting through prayers from seven billion people speaking 1,000+ languages and dialects simultaneously here on Earth, surely he has a grip on the status of everyone in the afterlife. And after all, isn't it only blue skies and crying babies anyway? So, I'm guessing that the monthly calls that everyone tries to avoid will be a thing of the past.

  • Moving - There was a time when we were moving 2-3 families a month into and out of our Ward. I'm nearly moved-to-tears at the idea of not moving anyone in the eternal abode. They'll catch their own ride to their assigned home planet and start the procreating without any boxes, U-Haul, etc. Wahoo!

  • Church Welfare - I'm not sure how many of you would enjoy sitting across a desk from a neighbor and telling them to dump cell phones, cars, RV's, etc., to reduce monthly expenses, but I dread it. With the celestial streets paved in gold, welfare shouldn't be an issue. Although it brings up further questions: is the gold only in the Celestial Kingdom, or do all three come equally-equipped in this area, and more importantly, if a resource isn't rare anymore, is it really worth anything? But I digress...

  • Church Meetings - Now here's an interesting one to me. After we've 'made it' will we have to go to any Church meetings anymore? Since we'll already know everyone else's thoughts, I assume that we'll know what that person would give a talk about, before the talk is even given. I think I'm safe to say that Sunday may turn out to truly be days of rest in the hereafter. Don't get me wrong - I suppose that sitting in a chair for twelve hours every Sunday could be considered resting to a guy that works in construction, but...

  • Travel - There were few things that I hated more while raising my kids here on Earth than long car trips with children under five. With all the child-rearing that will be going on eternally in the netherworlds, I'm really hoping that there aren't celestial maxi-vans and that travel will be more-or-less instantaneous, like what we see on Star Trek, but with much larger teleportation pads that can facilitate a few thousand kids at a time.

  • In-Laws and Extended-Family Reunions - Since we're all, 'brothers and sisters,' will we still be expected to visit in-laws in the hereafter? I can't imagine having extended-family reunions either, since a gathering of tens of billions would take some massive coordination, and that doesn't even include the Neanderthals. On that note, are the Kingdoms going to be species-segregated, or will we all get lumped together? I enjoy the thought of seeing Fido again, but not so much being chased by the saber-toothed tigers and velociraptors.

    So, what are the to-die-for changes that you're most looking forward to in the afterlife (other than the return of the halcyon days of polygamy)?

    1. It was my understanding that once we all leave this telestial world we're now in, that animals will be at peace with each other and humans. Who knows, a saber-tooth tiger might make a nice pet. :-)

      Would you be able to aim me at a larger version of that illustration? I'd love to look it over in more detail, but the version here is just too small for me to read.

    2. Bishop,

      The graphic here is great. I've already printed and laminated it and I intend to use it in my next primary lesson. The CTRs will love this and I'll scare the bejesus out of them with the "1000 years in hell detour" illustration. That’s what it’s all about-- scaring the children into doing everything I say with the threat of hell! I do have one important request before I use your graphic. Could you please explain what a "WHOREMONGER" is? I need to know before my Sunday lesson and I don't dare Google it. I'm afraid the websites I might hit would end up being a necessary topic in my next temple recommend interview. I have enough trouble answering the question about being honest in my dealings with my fellow men.

      Btw, when you ask me that question, why do you always have to bring up the fact that I sell juice that tastes like a mixture of hotdogs, burnt rubber and toenails to all the ward members @ $150 per bottle? I don't see a problem with that! I can’t make any claims without the FDA jumping down my throat, but this stuff will cure what ails ya! I think you’re just jealous because my house is bigger than yours and I take more vacations than you do. My standard of living is clear evidence that I am living the standards of the true and everlasting gospel of Jesus Christ, which was restored for these latter days. The blessings are pouring down! Anyway…please answer the questions. Thx

    3. Dear Bishop,

      I wasn't sure if "So You Think You Can Dance" was on the "Can Watch List", but am glad to hear I have not been committing a major sin. So, I'd love to know which dance you were watching that promoted your thoughts of the afterlife?

      The major change I'd like to see in the Afterlife has to do with homemade wheat bread. I have felt a lot of pressure recently to use up my 50 years of wheat storage, as I will surely not be on this earth for that many years. I would like to be able to snap my fingers and have loaves of warm, heavenly wheat bread appear instead of slaving in the hot kitchen all day to produce 2 loaves that disappear in a matter of minutes. By the way, do I have to make my own bread each week, or is it okay to buy Grandma Sycamore's every once in a while? I'm having trouble getting my visiting teaching done with all of this time consuming bread making.

      P.S. Is it still okay to use my wheat if there are weavils in it?

    4. Felix - You can grab a larger image at:

    5. Vanessa - You may be surprised to find out that you're not alone in your concerns over the eternal nature of fresh, hot, loaves of wheat goodness. I believe that these will be delivered three time a day via personal delivery to all interested celestial parties by less-valiant, but highly trained bread makers. This, of course, assumes that you're eternal abode will in the Celestial worlds. No guarantee if that's not the case.

      As far as the here-and-now goes, I'm well aware of the terrible competition that persists among many of the homemaker women with fresh wheat bread. Here's one of my wife's secrets: Buy wheat bread from the bakery uncut (you can always request this), bring it home, throw it in the oven to lightly warm for a few minutes, then deliver some sample to those show-off do-it-yourself'ers. The professionally made bread beats homemade 95% of the time.

      As for the weavils, just sift them out, or bake them in for extra protein. As long as your grinding the wheat - who's going to know? That being said, I'll take a pass on any future deliveries.

    6. Calorie free bacon cheese burgers. We will have bacon cheese burgers?

    7. Dating-since God knows everything about every one, arranged marriages will likely become the norm. This means that someone as painfully awkward and shy as myself doesn't have to face rejection or fork out lots of money while trying to find an eternal companion. Instead it will be a quick introduction/marriage, and we'll get to know each other while we're water skiing together on our own planet (we do get one of those right?) By then we'll all be resurrected, and I'll be able to rip my shirt when I flex and she's guaranteed to be a knockout.

      I guess until then I can sit around and play World of Warcraft all day...

      p.s. Which kingdom will have green jello with carrots?

    8. I'm hoping the recipe for making "mild barley drinks" will come out of the vault and put my endless curiosity to rest for eternity.....see D&C 89:17. Bishop Young, any chance you could steer me right here, please? I'm sorry to crash your wards blog. I'm from the 1501st ward in Orem and my bishop (Jensen) is no longer returning our families phone calls! I'm pretty sure he's pissed about last months ward campout/picnic when I brought a cooler full of what I thought was mild barley drinks. I'm guessing next year my food assignment will be less liquid oriented.

      Thanking you in advance and hoping your words will restore my testimony of personal revelation through scripture study.

      p.s. I'm really hoping Daniel's green jello with carrots will be in the telestial or terrestrial kingdom, because according to Bishop Jensen I wouldn't know the Celestial Kingdom if it kicked me in the.......

    9. Montello - being from the area, surely you're familiar with Wasatch Brew's, 'Polygamy Ale.' I'm fairly certain that this is indeed the official recipe for a mild barley drink as found in the D&C.

    10. Daniel - I actually have it on good authority that the celestial maidens will be fought over just like in medieval times. That's right - jousting, hand-to-hand combat, etc. So, I'd recommend that in addition to your online World of Warcraft playing, that you also enhance your preparedness by attending some in-person Renaissance Fairs, just to build up your skills.

      Here's a helpful link: