Thursday, July 9, 2009

20 Reasons to Be A Mormon

Just the other day I was thinking to myself, "I am so blessed to be a Mormon!" How was I selected to be one of the lucky 0.001% of the Earth's population (not counting the neanderthals) to know The Plan? I'm sure that it most likely has to do with my valiant efforts in the pre-existence, or my uncommonly-good looks. If only everyone understood the blessings of being Mormon, I'm convinced we'd have a landslide of people investigating the Church. Okay, except for the gays. I think that door is pretty much closed for now.

Well, to feel good in my proselyting efforts (and in lieu of talking to my non-Mormon neighbors directly) I decided to put together a list of 20 reasons to be a Mormon.

  • Funeral potatoes served without the need of a deceased
  • Believing that you still need to fruitfully multiple to replenish the Earth in 2009
  • Encouragement to use all your favorite names starting with 'B' for your children - all 12 of them!
  • The unanimous vote - each time, and every time
  • Xanax - more common than aspirin
  • Access to enough raw wheat supply to feed bread to every child in Africa for 5 years
  • No visible panty lines
  • An afterlife without hell and harps (but it will cost you the wings)
  • All-paid treks in Utah's scenic deserts in the middle of the summer
  • Vastly increases your chance of appearing on a talent or reality show
  • Women only need to shave their legs from the knee, down
  • Elimination of all that wasted free time, especially on Sunday
  • Other than the Forbidden-Four, it's everything-goes for diets. Red meat every night? Bring it on!
  • Limited money spent on teenage tattooing and piercings
  • Jello styles as diverse as hair style
  • Free dinner and movie any Friday night at the temple
  • Acceptable use of, 'moisture,' to identify a very wide-range of water forms (rain, dew, snow, etc)
  • A whole book full of unique kids names like, 'Nephi,' 'Sariah,' and 'Lemuel'
  • We can bless Krispie Kreme doughnuts to, "nourish and strengthen our bodies"
  • Last, but not least, eternal sex with many, many wives - and, you don't have to blow yourself up to get there! Granted, this may not be as big of a draw for the ladies.

    1. Before I post my comments, a legal disclaimer…My current calling in the 401st ward is “flag controller”. I am the guy that puts the flags on the ward members’ lawns on specific holidays. This is the kind of calling given to individuals that are considered “unfit” for even the low-level leadership positions in the church.

      As the ward flag controller, my comments, views, and opinions do not necessarily represent the official position of the church or its leadership. My comments represent only my flawed understanding of church doctrine, which may change at any given time, depending on the dominant political, social and cultural climate.

      In addition to the benefits you have already outlined, there are a few others that should be a major draw to gentiles (non-Mormons). Many non-LDS inaccurately label these gifts as “magic”. From a gentile’s point of view, I can understand why these spiritual gifts would be perceived as “mystical” or “magical”. We Mormons, however, know that the term “magic” doesn’t accurately describe these gifts. In truth, there are not words to describe these sacred and holy gifts. As such, for lack of better words, I will call them “sacred and supernatural Mormon gifts”. They are as follows:

      1-Sacred-supernatural undergarments which are as effective as Kevlar body armor.Stipulations include but are not limited to:
      a.G’s are only effective if you are worthy and have faith in their sacred power.
      b.If you sustain injury anywhere under your protective garments, you can safely assume that you lack worthiness and /or faith.
      2-Sacred-supernatural priesthood which can cure all manner of disease with the following stipulations:
      a.The priesthood blessing must be in concert with God’s will.
      b.The priesthood blessing acts only as a catalyst to God’s will.
      c.The recipient must be a worthy TBM with complete faith in the holy priesthood.
      d.If the blessing does not work, you can assume that the giver and/or receiver are not worthy and/or lack faith.
      3-Sacred-supernatural bread and water which has the ability to cleanse sin. It should be noted that supernatural bread and water is a commonality among Christian churches, but the Mormon bread and water is the only kind that actually works, with the following stipulations:
      a.Exception is made for those sins which are not covered by the atonement of Christ (i.e., adultery, murder) or require confession to local clergy (i.e., masturbation, premarital sex, etc.).

      God Bless!

    2. A few comments on the Top 20

      I'm pretty sure that the unanimous vote occurs most times, not out of support, but because the people raising their hands are excited they aren't the ones being called!

      If you wear the right style, you only need to shave the lower calf down.

      I don't think people really make jello anymore. I think that was an 80s thing.

      Though we do save money on tattoos and piercings, I'm pretty sure the augmentations and hair coloring expenditures pretty much put a nix on the savings.

      Bishop, I think you are VERY funny, but you may have too much free time on your hands. With all of the hours you spend on your calling, when do you find the time to think this stuff up?

    3. Vanessa,

      I think Bishop Young has adequately addressed the issue of augmentation in his commentary entitled "Our Refined 1950's Heavenly Home". For your benefit, I recommend a careful review of that post. I think after reviewing it, you will agree that augmentation cannot, and should not, be lumped in with the sinful act of excessively piercing and tattooing ones body. I sense a hint of sarcasm in your comments on augmentation and I think it is uncalled for. As faithful doctrine-abiding LDS male members, we have a RIGHT to a well kept and attractive spouse. Additionally, we don't mind noticing that some of our fellow priesthood holders also have well kept and attractive spouses. I wouldn't call it ogling, but I can't help but notice some of the newly "endowed" sisters in the ward. I do want to assure Bishop Young that, as per ward policy, I will refrain from excessive "hugging" of the sisters with new assets.

    4. Monomo,
      Since your flag raising calling does not require weekly effort, I think you may want to talk to the bishop about becoming the new listmaker for "Who Not to Ogle." It would be very beneficial to know who to look at from the neck up before "running into them" in the hallways at church. Thanks for keeping my comments about augmentation in check. I think I am too connected to the subject, as I have been told by multiple members of the ward that I may want to consider some "enhancements" myself. I will try to refrain from any sarcasm on this topic in the future.

    5. Vanessa,

      I thought you'd see things my way. After all, of the two of us, I am the priesthood holder. Heh He!

      Funny you should mention the "who not to ogle" calling. I have already created a list for my 13-year-old son. I notice he has a bit of a problem while passing the sacrament to some of the sisters. I have urged my son to please look up after the tray handoff has been made. By the way, don’t pay much attention to the comments from the sisters in the ward. You might be surprised to know that some of the sisters on the list clearly haven't been "enhanced". I can't mention any names, of course. I'll submit my list to the bishop for review forthwith.

    6. I'd jump in, but I'm afraid to get in the middle of the exchange!

      A few clarifications:

      Most of the time spent on ideas for blog happen to come to me around the same time as Ward Welfare meeting. Believe me, if you had to sit through an hour with these guys, you'd be blogging too.

      As for the augmentation vs. tattoo expenditures, for the most part teenagers are still augmentation-free. Most. As for the women, well, I firmly (no pun intended) believe that there are many modern miracles of medicine, and who am I to criticize those that partake.

    7. ok- mike i just found your blog and will look it over carefully-but first how is it a man 58, born in 1951 can go to byu in 1958 at age 8? u must have a hellavu fast ball!


    8. Ok, Frank, you caught me. Some men like to have their secrets, and don't like pasting their actual birthdate on the Internet. But, since we're all brothers and sisters here, I went ahead and corrected the date. Wow, I already feel more wise...