Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Specialty Wards

Typically, the only way Mormons can move Wards is to physically move a block or more down the street (or farther, for non-Utahans). Well, let's face it, not everyone loves the Ward their currently assigned to and might enjoy the freedom of attending a Ward that speaks more to their lifestyle. Currently, you'd have to be deaf, Spanish-speaking, or single to opt-out of your assigned Ward and attend another Ward. I'd like to suggest that we could broaden our Church's appeal by offering more specialized Wards and boost our now-decreasing new convert rate in the U.S. A few Specialty Wards that I've thought of are:

Entrepreneur's Ward (a.k.a MLM-Ward) - Love to chat-up all your Ward members about your latest foray into the elusively-lucrative home business world of ridiculously-priced berry juice? Do you believe that MLM's are God's divine plan for stay-at-home Mom's to make extra money, at the expense of your friends and neighbors? This Ward is for you! Sunday School lessons could be designed around current marketing trends of little-known Polynesian berries and the nutritional values of different herbal cocktails.

Fundamentalist Ward - Membership requirements might include a concealed weapons permit or Ham radio operators license. Lessons would alternate between emergency preparedness, the divine mission of the Republican Party, and discussions about the time on Kolob relative to the Earth.

Full-size Van or Suburban Ward - Minimum 7 kids - Should be a real popular option in Utah Valley! Senior citizens would also be encouraged to attend this Ward to balance out the teaching needs in the four Primaries.

Happy Ward - A Ward where single, male florists and home decorators might feel at home.

Polynesian Wards - Free from ethnic requirements, it would be more of a Polynesian-culture ward. Men can wear comfortable lava-lavas in the summer and shirts without a tie, plus there's a big potluck BBQ each Sunday after services. The only down-side is all the speakers expecting a returned, 'Aloha!' at the beginning of each talk.

Late Arrival Wards - Although, I suppose the meetings might never start, or have to be reduced to just 1 1/2 hours, since people would show up late, knowing that the meetings are starting late, at least those that make it to Church on time can have some peace.

PDoA Ward - In addition to mother/nursing rooms, there would be a few rooms with army-style cots for those who can't wait three hours between conjugal visits and 'laying on of hands'

Personally, I'd like to be the Bishop of the RV Ward. Membership requirements would include owning an RV or travel trailer, a minimum of two off-road vehicles, and at least one watercraft.

Any other suggestions to add, before this inspiration is passed up to The Brethren?


  1. How about a "BOM decoder/Fair Wiki ward"? In this ward, members can hash out controversial references made in the BOM. For instance, they could definitively answer the question on the actual geographic location for the Book of Mormon. Another hot topic might be Indian/Lamanite DNA, or the actual meaning of BOM references to plants, animals and technologies that have yet to be substantiated by science as having existed during BOM times. One case in point, as members WE KNOW that the word "cattle" in the BOM doesn't actually mean "cattle". "Cattle" actually means bison, mountain goat, or llama. We just need to make a final decision on which one it is so that we can publish it on Fair Wiki. What are your thoughts Bishop?

  2. I'm not sure on that one. Perhaps a new, 'Intellectuals Ward,' could be warranted, although historically this hasn't seen a warm-welcome from the Church, to say the least.

    As always, thank you for the suggestions!

  3. How about a reality ward - where you don't pretend to be perfect all the time, you can spank during sac.mtg. without having to leave the room with the screaming child - and miss the talk entitled "There were no spoiled bratty sassy kids in Jesus' day, because it was okay to spank then" It might also be okay to accidentally show up to church in slippers...just sayin'

  4. Heidi - It sounds like we may also need an anger management ward? Just sayin'...