Monday, April 13, 2009

TK Smoothie

We had a lively discussion in Sunday School today about the Kingdoms. Much of the discussion centered around what conditions one could expect in the different Kingdoms of Heaven. I got the distinct feeling that Brother Marks is shooting for the Telestial Kingdom, since it's rumored not to be that bad after all, and not require so much effort in this life.

In Mormonism, we have an expanded picture of life that extends before this mortal life and then on into the eternities. However, when you really dig into this, it turns out that we have very few details on what to expect after this life, and the details we do have come mostly from talks given almost 175 years ago. And to say that our expectations of 'Heaven,' have changed quite a bit since then is a gross understatement.

Despite all the speculation, one detail that we know for sure: unless you make it to the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom, there will be no eternal sex. Basically, you'd be turned into a Telestial/Terrestrial Kingdom Smoothie (TK Smoothie). I like to imagine these lesser-Kingdoms as the Barbie & Ken Kingdoms. Everyone walking around looking beautiful and perfect for eternity, but having a smooth under-carriage like Barbie or Ken.

Most of us would think, "I've got to make it into the CK to keep my package intact," but, after some serious studying and pondering, I have some reservations about the Highest-of-Highs.

First and foremost is the elephant-in-the-room issue: Polygamy. All of the information we have about a genitalia-enabled afterlife comes from the early prophets. And they clearly tied entry into the highest degree in the CK to the practice of polygamy. If you ever want to push a hot-button at Ward Temple Night, bring up this topic. So, to keep the privates intact, there's going to be lots of sharing going on. While the early leaders of the Church were really keen on the idea of multiple wives and herds of children, it's hard to find many supporters of this today in Relief Society. And as for the men that are for it, most really creep me out.

Secondly, the only purpose mentioned for keeping the family jewels is, 'eternal progression.' This means that men and their 1,000+ wives can't just find a quiet nook in Heaven to build their own Playboy mansion (any takers, Sisters?). There has to be kids involved, and we're not just talking a few, but billions. Billions, upon billions. Upon more billions. Eternal billions. More than McDonald's has served, and Madoff has stolen, billions. And who gets to tend all these billions of children? Maybe Angelina and Brad, but I digress...

The bottom line is, I'm not convinced that a TK Smoothie isn't the way to go. Even as such a loving Bishop, I hate visiting the Nursery. When little Tommy Milsap wet his pants while sitting on my lap last month, it took everything I had not to bless that child with the laying-on-of-hands. And I'm supposed to be excited about an eternity spent having endless children?

Can there be a classification for, 'Celestial Grandparents,' for those of us who are finished raising kids, want only one spouse, would prefer keeping what we currently have in the nether-area, but wouldn't mind just occasional visits to our children and grandchildren who decide that eternal child bearing/rearing is for them, and then coming back to the peace and quiet of our own, private Celestial-abode?

We're long-overdue for a refresher doctrine covering the afterlife. If 10% gets you polygamy and endless children, I bet a 15% option just to opt-out of these while being able to live in the CK and visit loved ones would be really popular these days.

Am I alone in my concerns? I have to raise this one with The Brethren, for sure. Does anyone know if they have anonymous suggestion boxes?

Bishop Young


  1. Dear Bishop,
    I don't think I'd focus too much on the smooth under-carriage Kens of the Telestial/Terrestrial Kingdoms. I'm pretty sure most of the sisters in our ward would stop shooting for the Celestial Kingdom if that truly was the case!

  2. Ah, my point exactly. It may be more appealing to be around the Smoothie Kens and pass eternity in peace and tranquility, then share an 'endowed' Ken with another 1,000 Barbies and 100,000,000,000 babies. Just saying...

  3. Now I know why my husband is so focused on the CK... he wants to keep his package intact! Makes perfect sense.

  4. Barefoot - It's all for you! Well, you and a few 1,000 of your soon-to-be Sister Wives...

  5. Dear Bishop,

    I would like to go further with your thoughts and opt for a 20% option for those who want to go to CK while still having enjoyment in this life, such as fornication on the weekends and coffee on weekday mornings. It seems the Brethren would go along with that, as that money would really benefit the mall being built in SLC.

  6. Well, I'll kick it up, but I'm guessing that it's a no-go. Mall funds came completely from non-tithing monies, which means that they were tithing monies from over 10 years ago, invested in the stock market, and pulled back into a real estate venture company.

  7. Although your thoughts, Bishop Young, are totally my thoughts as well, may I ask... Can you HAVE these thoughts...and post them, and still be bishop???