Modest is Hottest

For some reason, I imagine the 'Modest is Hottest' slogan being coined by a group of wannabe-hip-Nuns, religious fundamentalists, or very large older ladies. No offense Sister Crouser.

Is it just me, or is there a rising creepiness in the attention that we, as a society, are placing on the sexuality of teenage girls? From unnatural interest in Brittany Spears during her teen years, to virginity pledges and now 'Modest is Hottest' clothing being all-the-rage in many Christian groups (including Utah County's primarily-LDS population), I'm becoming concerned with the unintended consequences. Is the message here to cover up to hide from boys, but by dressing like this they'll attract the attention of boys? The whole idea is extremely bizarre. LDS chastity ideals are starting to get pushed to extremes in some areas that may become unhealthy for the sexual maturation of young women.

As an example (and I may get in trouble for this one), our Stake prohibited the wearing of shorts at the Stake-sponsored Young Women's camp this year. This is in the middle of July. And, they made it a point that it was about modesty. Let's get some common-sense and balance in here, please. Not allowing girls to wear shorts in the middle of summer while among other girls is an unbelievably-strict standard to push. Why in the world would wearing shorts among other girls be a modesty issue? On the other hand, shorts weren't an issue at all for any of the Young Men's scout camps this summer.

As LDS members who strongly emphasize chastity, I feel it's very important to pair the chastity talks with frank discussions about sexuality in general to ensure that sex isn't just viewed as a dirty, nasty, sinful, embarrassing act that we save only for the one we truly love. Ideally, of course, these talks should take place in the home.

In a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, over 14,000 teens were asked different questions about sexuality and sexual activity. Some of the study's findings shocked a lot of people when it was found that teens that had taken a 'virginity pledge' were more likely to engage in higher-risk sex, including oral and anal sex, than the non-pledgers, and were far less likely to use condoms. This highlights a problem of focusing on just one aspect of sexual behavior (abstinence) to the exclusion of well-rounded discussions. When a teen feels that having unprotected anal sex is the answer to remaining a virgin, there's something drastically wrong with our approach to sex education.

As Ward members, I strongly encourage you to be open, honest, and realistic when having age-appropriate discussions about sexuality with your children. Relying on marketing slogans or abstinence-only sex education is simply ineffective and dangerous. It's time to become comfortable with being uncomfortable about sex education in our homes. Let's actively help our children to become the educators among their peers, instead of naive recipients of dangerous information.

And for goodness sake, let those poor Young Women wear shorts at summer camp!

Sexting? Not our teens!

Most parents of teenagers with cell phones can safely assume that when their child is up late at night with the cell phone cradled in their sweaty little palms, more than likely they're sexting with other teens, sexting with a creepy man pretending to be a teen, or sexting with a school teacher. Informed parents, from my experience, are more concerned about their teen's use of texting/sexting than even their Internet use.

But LDS parents need not be concerned any longer about what Nephi or Sarah are doing under the covers with their cell phones at 1am!

Thanks to this ad for the Church's Mormon.org website that I've noticed now several times on different sites, Mormon parents can be assured that their teens are just texting about God, the LDS religion, and life's questions at this hour with other interested teens. Seriously. Rest at peace.

I'm going out later today to purchase cell phones for all of my teen age grandkids just so that they CAN text. What a load off my mind, and I'm sure you're just as relieved.

Now, if I could only figure out those enigmatic texting acronyms like 'ROFLMAO'...

Oquirrh, Oak-her, OQrrxxj

Yesterday along the Wasatch Front - Zion to many (except the Jews) - The Brethren felt inclined to give us a break from the normal grind meetings so that we might attend the temple dedication sessions. A newly gilded (careful not to confuse with 'gelded') Moroni was in place after the earlier mishap with the lightening, and music was in the air.

I've been wondering about the choice of this temple's name, and I believe I may have figured out the mystery. Until now, nearly all of the LDS temples have been named after the city of their location (Salt Lake City, Logan, Boise, Draper, etc). However this new temple is situated only a couple of blocks from the already-existing Jordon River temple. So to avoid confusion, the Temple Naming Committee selected a name very familiar to both of the still-living Goshute Indians: Oquirrh Mountain.

I've yet to speak to anyone outside of Utah who has the faintest idea of how to pronounce the name of this temple. Then the thought struck me - maybe this obscure and difficult-to-pronounce name was by design. I know a lot of people that, while visiting other areas, try and attend a new temple. It's like seeing a tourist site, without the entrance fee - well, sort of. In the case of this new temple, perhaps the idea was to discourage any out-of-town visitors - a "locals'only" hang out sort of thing.

I can imagine that when visitors might think of selecting a temple to visit, they start with, "how about that new temple, the OQr... temple?" They'd get funny looks, make a few additional attempts at an intelligible guess in pronunciation, and then settle for the Draper or Salt Lake City temple. I think they also had this in mind when naming the Mount Timpanogos Temple, but that turned out to be phonetically sound enough to at least get close to the name. 'Oquirrh,' on the other hand, might as well have been named using cuneiform letters.

I may be way off base here on my guess. Perhaps people enjoy the challenge of learning new, exotic Native American names and feel a connection to our quickly-fading Lamanite heritage. Have I missed any other obvious reasons for the selection of this name?

MLM - No, Please Not Another One!

Having grown up outside of Utah, I feel that I lack an understanding in a foundational Mormon Institution: multi-level marketing, or MLM. In nearly a quarter of the interviews I have with adults, some form of an offer to join an MLM comes up. I've even received Christmas cards with MLM pitches making up the majority of the card's text. Christmas cards! I know that most Mormons likely believe that Jesus was a Republican capitalist, but this is ridiculous.

From an outsider looking in, I've observed the following commonalities in most of these MLM schemes:

Smooth-talking salespeople with products who's actual value defy common sense (mystical berry juice from the Pacific Islands, over-priced commodities like vitamins, and many health-related creams and lotions).

The requirement that all participants themselves spend hundreds of dollars a month on these products of dubious value, ensuring that the founders have a steady income, regardless of any actual sales to non-members. I'm positive that these required-purchases by the sellers themselves make up 90% of total products ever sold.

Pressure for these recruits to constantly harass friends, neighbors and family about 'getting in at the top level,' of one of the hundred new MLM pyramids introduced every month in Utah.

I know members that have jumped from one scheme to another for years. They've paid thousands of dollars for boxes of junk that still sit in a garage, or pile up in the Utah County landfill. Yet, as soon as the next-new-thing comes out, it's full-steam cycling through the friends again.

After many years of counseling people in financial matters, here's my advice - avoid MLMs like the plague. The only people making any money are the shady founders at the very top that quickly move on to the next scam. If you want to become financially secure, try the proven method of spending less than you make, paying off debt quickly, building a savings and retirement account, and investing in long-term value. And as a bonus, you'll still have some friends and family left that don't avoid you like a leper.

Not Quite Intelligent Design

I'm not usually one to complain, especially about God's creations, but in some instances He leaves me to ponder, 'What the heck was He thinking!?' I've read many articles on the idea of Intelligent Design, or Creationism Lite, and thought to myself - what about all of the unintelligent design in nature? Who designed that, and for what purpose? Were there a few semi-purposefully designed creatures (of course, we'd always have to lump us humans in with this group), but the rest of what we see was left to its own devices to evolve however it pleased? Even with humans, there are enough oddities to believe that at the very minimum, someone with a good sense of humor had a hand in this design.

Take vestigial organs. Was the appendix just designed with the fore-sight to ensure adequate financial support for the surgical profession? And to spread the wealth, I have to assume that wisdom teeth were most likely designed to provide financial support to oral surgeons? Couldn't God at least have removed these for all future missionaries and saved them the time, money, and pain - just a little token of appreciation to two years of full-time service? How about that tailbone in humans? I suppose there might have been a change in plans mid-design about us homo sapiens having tails, but someone forgot to remove all the evidence? And male nipples - what in the world do I do with these?

Hair is another interesting design aspect of humans. Our early ancestors started out completely covered. We shed some hair by the Neanderthal times, and now we're left with only a few small patches of hair, with the only hair we're really interested in being the stuff on top of our head, which also happens to be the only spot susceptible to balding. Couldn't we have been designed to bald in the nether-regions, and grow thicker hair on our heads as we age as a small compensation for a slowing metabolism? And why do we still have erector pili that cause our hair to stand on end (goose bumps), but we have no hair to really notice, where most animals have this trait as a defense mechanism to appear larger/fiercer to predators?

Our poor digestive systems. For some reason, they seem only designed to handle grains and proteins efficiently. Couldn't we have been designed with some fore-sight to better handle the abundance of refined sugar and carbs that we now consume in-mass, instead of being designed with what appears to be more for an environment tens of thousands of years ago? Why weren't we provided with some mechanisms to break down hydrogenated trans fats and oils so that we could enjoy our Big Macs and Super-Sized fries guilt-free?

And lastly, the duck-billed platypus. I rest my not-always-so-intelligent design case.

Staying Home … Again

The article, "Staying Home... Again," from the August 2009 Ensign caught me a bit off-guard, even after reading the article several times to make sure I fully understood the points being made. The entire article can be found online here.

Over the years, the Church has clearly held the position that mothers should stay at home whenever possible, although the Church has clearly reduced its rhetoric on this position. From my experience speaking with members, today's reality is that in most cases, women work to help their families make ends meet. In our Ward, I would estimate that about 65% of the wives work outside of the home. Knowing these families well, I can say that these women are not working to provide jet boats and European vacations, but rather food on the table and clothes for their children.

Ironically, I've noticed that a fairly-strong correlation exists between a need for this second income, and the members adherence to a strict interpretation of multiplying and replenishing the earth, paying a full tithing, and spending much of their free time in Church-related callings and activities.

From the example in the article, a woman goes to work to save a business that her family owns from going under. She finds that she actually enjoys working - a lot! And that's a very bad thing, indeed.

The woman begins to feel a great sense of guilt and starts to pray to have the desire to stay at home. In the end, their business fails, at the cost of, "hundreds of thousands of dollars," to her family. The lady interpreted this business failure to be an answer to her prayers, "Through this experience I have come to realize just how important it was to the Lord that I be home with my children, regardless of the consequences," and "He had first helped me to change my heart, and then He helped change my circumstances."

Well, I'm all for faith-promoting stories. Heaven knows I've had to come up with quite a few for F&T meetings, but this article was way too over-the-top and extreme for an example of why women should stay home, in my humble opinion.

Observations:

Wouldn't a business failure of several hundred thousand dollars put more pressure on a marriage than a wife that chooses to work? Is it rational to view this business failure as an answer to prayers?

The wife had a seemingly-legitimate reason to want to work in trying to save their business. Are we to understand that the Church doesn't support women working under any circumstance? Would it have been preferred that this women not even try to save the family business?

The article seems to support the position that women should feel terrible anytime that they have to work outside the home. There's not a single sentence in the article that supports any reason for women to feel okay about working outside the home.

After working a short time, the lady in the article states that she didn't want to be home anymore, but instead wanted to be anywhere but home. Having counseled many families, I've yet to see hear of such an extreme position. In my experience, the wife might feel some guilt, is probably more tired when she does come home after work - but doesn't want to come home at all? Really?

The lady in the story, "asked for forgiveness for straying so far from my divine role." Again, I can't correlate trying to help your family save a business to straying far from a divine role.

The moral of this story (article) - If you're not particularly happy with working outside of the home, consider the potential consequences before praying for a change!

BYU announces a new class for Fall '09- Bishop Prep 101

In a follow-up to BYU's continuously-full GA-Prep classes, they decided to expand their Church-prep series and add a class for those destined to be Bishops. Sorry, Ladies - until the Word comes down from The Brethren, it's a male-only class.

Topics covered will include:

What to expect during your first month in office

Delegation essentials

How to encourage successful YW activities on $5/week

Testimony meeting filler - a.k.a. How to turn every day events into faith-promoting stories

Pantyhose - Spiritual requirement for Sisters, or old-men fetish?

How to prioritize the 2 hours of free time that you'll enjoy each week while serving as a Bishop

Planning YM's activity on only $125/week

How to shake hands like a man, but cry like a woman

How to convincingly insinuate that you may know something about an interviewee through supernatural means

How to break the news to neighbors that they're going to have to work at Deseret Industries in order to be eligible for Church canned stew mystery meat

Accessorizing with a dark suit and white shirt, a.k.a. - The tie is your best friend

Climbing the Church ladder - Lessons in sincerity and humbleness

Shooting for the stars - Tips for getting called into the Stake Presidency

Ward Suggestion Box

To make this week's suggestions more interesting, I'm going to try using my Bishop Intuition to guess at who made the suggestions:

In-Church supply of dry ice for home-made root beer.
-I'm guessing either Brother Barrows, or Brother Mark.

All primary-age kids should be required to wear diapers, so that they don't have to be escorted to the bathroom by the Primary Presidency.
-Sister Turner - I know this was from you!

'Hall of Shame' area on hall bulletin board listing any man caught looking at Internet porn.
-My guess is this is from Sis Werner, Sis Gartner, or Sis Hendry. Perhaps I shouldn't have guessed on this one...

Release that creepy Brother Hicks from being a Primary Teacher.
-Ok, I'm guessing this is from Sister Williams. Note to Sister Williams: your boy is terribly behaved and I'm sure that Brother Hicks having Stephen sit on his lap was for disciplinary actions only. Well, I'm fairly sure.

“There’s (no) China in Them Thar Temples”

There’s a story that I’ve heard repeated many times concerning the sacrifices the early Saints made in building temples. One of the more dramatic stories for me was the one where Saints broke their good china and mixed it with the stucco for the exterior of the Kirtland Temple so that it would shine in the daylight.

I easily imagined all of these poor people sacrificing some of their family heirlooms and greatest possessions, just to beautify this building. If only that was actually the case.

At the website, HolyFetch.com, this and many other Mormon legends are put to rest, and others are verified as historical. As it turns out, there is not a single contemporary account of members breaking their china for the Kirtland Temple. “Old glass and crockery,” was requested and gathered for the temple, but no use of china in the Temple construction turns up in written accounts until talks given in the 1940’s.

Well, other than being a bit bummed by this revelation, the site is actually really interesting to browse through. Just select the category on the left-hand side of the page to start debunking/verifying those legends and rumors.

This seems to be a hot topic today! I just noticed that the Salt Lake Tribune is running a different story about Mormon Myths and a guy that created an archive that now totals over 50,000 stories at BYU. Read this story here.

Ward YM/YW Activities Calendar July Update

All I can say it, “Wow!” Our youth leaders are the best. Here is what the Young Men and Young Women can look forward to in the second half of July.

Tuesday, July 21st

Deacons – Swimming Merit Badge – Bring a towel; we’ll be heading to the pool for some fun!

Teachers – Pizza, homemade root beer and a movie at Brother Johnson’s house

Priests – Hiking to Stewart Falls. Don’t forget your permission slips. We’ll be riding the ski lift up at Sundance, and then hiking into Stewart Falls. Wear a pair of shorts, or a swimsuit!

Young Women combined activity: Review of the new addition to the Young Women’s Personal Progress program – Virtue!

Tuesday July 28th

YM combined activity – Water slide and BBQ at Peteet Neet in Payson. Tons of fun! We’ll be laying down the big plastic tarp again to slide down the steep slopes at Peteet Neet. Wear a swimsuit! Anyone that can stay on their feet the whole way down gets a steak, instead of a hot dog!

Young Women combined activity: Create “I’m virtuous – hands off!” T-Shirts as a reminder to all of the Young Men with non-virtuous thoughts.

Advice to YM on Supporting Other YM

In my years as a Bishop and Young Men's President, I've over heard many lessons and discussions from Young Women leaders about how the Young Women need to behave and dress in order to support the Young Men as Priesthood holders in the Ward.

Well, I think it's only fair these days to also offer advice to the Young Men in how they should support other Young Men in staying on the straight and narrow. Gone are the days of innocent frolics in the country swim holes and nightly "tick-checks" by Scout Masters. What seemed so innocent in the halcyon years of the early '70's has long-since past.

So, here's my list of suggestions to help Young Men in areas that I've noticed cause the most wandering thoughts among their tent mates:

While it may seems like innocent fun, playing 'steamroller,' 'hide the bacon,' and 'spanking line' is discouraged at Scout over-nighters

While swimming with other Young Men, please use modest swim attire. Speedos, short-shorts, and skinny-dipping are the Devil's playground

A firm hand shake should always be used in place of a hug between fellow Young Men

Wear loose, cotton pants to church services instead of tight-fitting polyester/rayon slacks that have to be zipped up by your Mom as you "suck it in"

When playing basketball at the Church, a 'high-five,' or a simple, "good job," should be used instead of slaps to a teammates backside

Scout shirts and white church shirts should be kept buttoned to the top, and a neck tie or Scout neckerchief should be worn. Avoid showing chest area as much as possible

Modest footwear should be worn, whenever possible. Shoes with holes that show toes poking through are no-no's, no-back shoes should be avoided, and as far as flip-flops are concerned - one word: Hippies

Ward Suggestion Box

Another week, another group of suggestions. Ok, it's been a few weeks, but here's what I found in the suggestion box yesterday:

Call a couple as the bathroom facilitators - similar to fancy restaurants and hotels, this person would assist the younger children from primary do their business. They could also hand paper towels to the adults. (Shoe shines were also suggested, but that's just taking it too far, in my opinion.)

Plan an adult-only trek this winter from the top of Deer Valley ski resort, to the lodge at the bottom of the mountain (this can be repeated a few dozen times), and then continue the trek to the outlets.

Substitute breath mints instead of bread for the sacrament. (Note: At first I thought it was a terrible idea, but if we've already swapped the wine for plain water, it may not be too big of a stretch. The positives are very obvious - especially to those sitting next to Brother Harold. I may have to run this one by The Brethren.)

Along with handicapped parking, add 'Especially-Blessed' parking for the family with the most expensive car in the Ward. (Note: I know this was your suggestion, Brother Morgan).

20 Reasons to Be A Mormon

Just the other day I was thinking to myself, "I am so blessed to be a Mormon!" How was I selected to be one of the lucky 0.001% of the Earth's population (not counting the neanderthals) to know The Plan? I'm sure that it most likely has to do with my valiant efforts in the pre-existence, or my uncommonly-good looks. If only everyone understood the blessings of being Mormon, I'm convinced we'd have a landslide of people investigating the Church. Okay, except for the gays. I think that door is pretty much closed for now.

Well, to feel good in my proselyting efforts (and in lieu of talking to my non-Mormon neighbors directly) I decided to put together a list of 20 reasons to be a Mormon.

Funeral potatoes served without the need of a deceased

Believing that you still need to fruitfully multiple to replenish the Earth in 2009

Encouragement to use all your favorite names starting with 'B' for your children - all 12 of them!

The unanimous vote - each time, and every time

Xanax - more common than aspirin

Access to enough raw wheat supply to feed bread to every child in Africa for 5 years

No visible panty lines

An afterlife without hell and harps (but it will cost you the wings)

All-paid treks in Utah's scenic deserts in the middle of the summer

Vastly increases your chance of appearing on a talent or reality show

Women only need to shave their legs from the knee, down

Elimination of all that wasted free time, especially on Sunday

Other than the Forbidden-Four, it's everything-goes for diets. Red meat every night? Bring it on!

Limited money spent on teenage tattooing and piercings

Jello styles as diverse as hair style

Free dinner and movie any Friday night at the temple

Acceptable use of, 'moisture,' to identify a very wide-range of water forms (rain, dew, snow, etc)

A whole book full of unique kids names like, 'Nephi,' 'Sariah,' and 'Lemuel'

We can bless Krispie Kreme doughnuts to, "nourish and strengthen our bodies"

Last, but not least, eternal sex with many, many wives - and, you don't have to blow yourself up to get there! Granted, this may not be as big of a draw for the ladies.

Handcart Trek Report

As many of you know, our youth went on a handcart trek in the Southern Utah desert last week. I was invited to go along as a 'parent' for one of these handcarts and couldn't think of an excuse fast enough to get out of it. I'm still confused as to the purpose of making people suffer like this during this day and age, but I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned somewhere, like, "Thank the Lord I wasn't born in the 1800's!"

So, here's my take from the adventure:

Pros:

We didn't have to eat any of our own

I dropped those 15 pounds that I've been working on for a year

Seeing Tommy Ginther (a.k.a The Bully) cry like a baby the third day on the trail. "I want my Mom!" Boo-hoo!

Cons:

30 miles in 100 degree heat - Who the heck thinks this is a good idea? Next year, I'd support a modern trek where we emphasize how far we've come from pioneer times. We'd drive in air-conditioned cars to California, camp on a beach for a few days, catch and eat some fish, and drive back. Now that's a trek I could get into.

Blisters on 50% of my body

Listening to 'Pioneer Children,' 50 times - I have a sneaking suspicion that most of the children reported as missing on the plains, were actually just left behind after singing this song too many times

Food - Who's bright idea was it to get the 'true' pioneer experience of eating only grits, jerky, and hard bread? I thought those guys at least had pancakes and bacon.

Oh, and it was a real testimony-building experience. I now have a solid testimony that indoor plumbing is truly a modern miracle and that the price of an air-conditioned Tahoe is worth every dime.

(If anyone is interested in some used handcarts, I'd be willing to pay to have them taken away just to lessen the chances of every having to do this again.)

J. Golden Kimball on the WoW

As I was reading some additional information about last Sunday's Gospel Doctrine lesson on the Word of Wisdom, I found this really funny story from the always-colorful J. Golden Kimball, written by his nephew, James N. Kimball.

"Uncle Golden's struggles with the Word of Wisdom sometimes forced him into ironic circumstances. On one occasion, he was asked to go to Cache Valley where the stake president had decided to call all the Melchizedek priesthood holders together for the purpose of emphasizing the importance of the Word of Wisdom. Uncle Golden didn't realize this was going to be the theme until he got there. As a matter of fact, he didn't know what he was to speak about until the stake president announced it in introducing Uncle Golden: 'J. Golden Kimball will now speak to us on the subject of the Word of Wisdom.'

Uncle Golden didn't know what to say. He stood at the pulpit for a long time waiting for some inspiration; he didn't want to be a hypocrite and he knew he had problems with this principle. So finally he looked at the audience and said, 'I'd like to know how many of you brethren have never had a puff on a cigarette in all your life. Would you please stand?'

Well, Uncle Golden related later that much to his amazement most of the brethren in that audience stood. He looked at them for a long time and then said, 'Now, all of you that are standing, I want to know how many of you have never had a taste of whiskey in all your life. If you have, sit down.'

Again, to Uncle Golden's amazement, only a few of the brethren sat down. The rest of them stood there proudly looking at him and then there was a long silence. I guess Uncle Golden thought they looked a little too self-righteous, because his next comment was, 'Well, brethren, you don't know what the hell you've missed.' "

For an interesting (non-correlated) overview on the development of the Word of Wisdom, here's the complete article from Life On Gold Plates.

Mormon Patron Saints

Having served a mission in a predominantly Catholic country, I came to find out that we LDS were missing out on one of the most popular aspects of that religion: Patron Saints. The variety of Patron Saints for Catholics number into the thousands, and can be found for any category - sore feet, Taxi drivers, butchers, etc.

Well, I thought it would be interesting to create of list of LDS pseudo-Patron Saints. Leave your ideas in the comments, and if they pass the qualifications, they'll be added to the official list that I'll be submitting to The Brethren.

Mitt Romney - Patron Saint of Mormon Republicans

Marie Osmond - Patron saint of the Arts

Thomas S. Monson - Patron Saint of Widows

LaVell Edwards and Steve Young - Patron Saints of LDS Sports

Emma Smith - Patron Saint of Stay at Home Moms and Community Organizers

Lorenzo Snow - Patron Saint of LDS ZZ Top fans

J. Golden Kimball - Patron Saint of Swearing

Porter Rockwell - Patron Saint of Bodyguards and people in the car towing business

Brigham Young - Patron Saint of Civil Engineers and Fundamental Polygamists

N. Eldon Tanner - Patron Saint of CPA's and Financial Managers

Eliza R. Snow - - Patron Saint of Veterinarians

BH Roberts and Thomas Stuart Ferguson - Patron Saint of Closet Doubters

Ezra T. Benson - - Patron Saint of ultra right-wing conspiracy buffs

Barbara Thompson, Patron Saint of Social Workers

Harry Reid, Patron Saint of closeted Democrats and moderate Republicans

Glen Beck - Patron Saint of the mentally challenged

Hyrum Smith - Patron Saint of Brotherhood and Loyalty

Joseph Smith - Patron Saint of Inspiration, and Indian Leg Wrestlers

What to Expect When You're Expecting in Spanish Fork 401st Ward

Sister Wheeler, our wonderful Relief Society President, has come up with a great get-to-know-you idea that she's started to implement at all Ward baby showers. The contest is to see who can keep their hand over the expecting mother's stomach the longest.

While in this close proximity, the Sisters enjoy some great bonding time, can share casserole recipes and provide pointers for coping with discontinued Xanax use during a pregnancy. The winner of each contest gets a gift certificate for Cold Stone. Let the touching begin!

Satan-o-Meter iPhone App

From our Ward Blog Sponsor:

Finding yourself unsure whether you just make bad decisions on your own, or if The Evil One (or one of his billions of minions) is actually present? Have an accident, and you're confused whether Lucifer may had his hand in it?

Well, wonder no more! This handy iPhone app will indicate the presence of any evil supernatural beings up to 25 feet. The app does get confused when used within the proximity of Ouija boards, decks of playing cards, stereo's playing The Rolling Stones and certain vampire books.

Know when it's the real-deal!

The 'M' Word

This week Brother Nielson and I took the opportunity to clean out the Ward Clerk's office. This office, as well as the library, are Church time-capsules stocked with some really 'interesting' items from the past. My favorite find was instructions provided as part of a 1970's Missionary Guide, written by Mark E. Peterson, on overcoming the 'M' word. I've copied some of the content, just in case you, 'have a friend,' that's having some, 'issues.'

I'm especially fond of item #19 under, 'Suggestions,' - sound advice indeed. I wonder if the publisher of Dale Carnegie's classic, 'How to Win Friends and Influence People,' would consider a Forward added to a special anti-masturbation edition by Mark E., in light of suggestion #7.

This fixation with the 'M' word by The Brethern includes Boyd K. Packers famous, 'Little Factory' talk on the subject given at a General Conference Priesthood session in 1976. Combine these sources on the 'M' word for a fun-filled and fascinating FHE! I'd nearly guarantee the children will be silent for this one.

STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION - Mark E. Peterson
A GUIDE TO SELF-CONTROL:

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in the mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes - just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of the family present.
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember - "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to stay in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books - Church books - Scriptures - Sermons of the Cistern. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of the Scripture, preferably one of the four Gospels in the New Testament. The four Gospels - Matthew, Mark, Luke and john - above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER - NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind!

Suggestions

1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and not out-loud when the temptations are the strongest.
2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.
3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell _STOP_ to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a pre-chosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to _never again_ you will always be open to temptation.
5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.
6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents.
7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ by Dale Carnegie.
8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.
9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have _no black days_. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months.
10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.
11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called _aversion therapy_. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.
12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.
13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.
15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.
16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.
17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress.
21. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan Never Gives Up. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment.

Looking Forward to the Good Life

In past posts I've pondered on some of the questions that remain as to the logistics of the afterlife experience. As I found myself pondering upon this topic again while watching, 'So You Think You Can Dance,' I realized that no matter what it's like in the celestial realm, there will most certainly be some positive changes:

Home teaching - If God's capable of reading the minds, and hearing/sorting through prayers from seven billion people speaking 1,000+ languages and dialects simultaneously here on Earth, surely he has a grip on the status of everyone in the afterlife. And after all, isn't it only blue skies and crying babies anyway? So, I'm guessing that the monthly calls that everyone tries to avoid will be a thing of the past.

Moving - There was a time when we were moving 2-3 families a month into and out of our Ward. I'm nearly moved-to-tears at the idea of not moving anyone in the eternal abode. They'll catch their own ride to their assigned home planet and start the procreating without any boxes, U-Haul, etc. Wahoo!

Church Welfare - I'm not sure how many of you would enjoy sitting across a desk from a neighbor and telling them to dump cell phones, cars, RV's, etc., to reduce monthly expenses, but I dread it. With the celestial streets paved in gold, welfare shouldn't be an issue. Although it brings up further questions: is the gold only in the Celestial Kingdom, or do all three come equally-equipped in this area, and more importantly, if a resource isn't rare anymore, is it really worth anything? But I digress...

Church Meetings - Now here's an interesting one to me. After we've 'made it' will we have to go to any Church meetings anymore? Since we'll already know everyone else's thoughts, I assume that we'll know what that person would give a talk about, before the talk is even given. I think I'm safe to say that Sunday may turn out to truly be days of rest in the hereafter. Don't get me wrong - I suppose that sitting in a chair for twelve hours every Sunday could be considered resting to a guy that works in construction, but...

Travel - There were few things that I hated more while raising my kids here on Earth than long car trips with children under five. With all the child-rearing that will be going on eternally in the netherworlds, I'm really hoping that there aren't celestial maxi-vans and that travel will be more-or-less instantaneous, like what we see on Star Trek, but with much larger teleportation pads that can facilitate a few thousand kids at a time.

In-Laws and Extended-Family Reunions - Since we're all, 'brothers and sisters,' will we still be expected to visit in-laws in the hereafter? I can't imagine having extended-family reunions either, since a gathering of tens of billions would take some massive coordination, and that doesn't even include the Neanderthals. On that note, are the Kingdoms going to be species-segregated, or will we all get lumped together? I enjoy the thought of seeing Fido again, but not so much being chased by the saber-toothed tigers and velociraptors.

So, what are the to-die-for changes that you're most looking forward to in the afterlife (other than the return of the halcyon days of polygamy)?