Looking Forward to the Good Life

In past posts I've pondered on some of the questions that remain as to the logistics of the afterlife experience. As I found myself pondering upon this topic again while watching, 'So You Think You Can Dance,' I realized that no matter what it's like in the celestial realm, there will most certainly be some positive changes:

Home teaching - If God's capable of reading the minds, and hearing/sorting through prayers from seven billion people speaking 1,000+ languages and dialects simultaneously here on Earth, surely he has a grip on the status of everyone in the afterlife. And after all, isn't it only blue skies and crying babies anyway? So, I'm guessing that the monthly calls that everyone tries to avoid will be a thing of the past.

Moving - There was a time when we were moving 2-3 families a month into and out of our Ward. I'm nearly moved-to-tears at the idea of not moving anyone in the eternal abode. They'll catch their own ride to their assigned home planet and start the procreating without any boxes, U-Haul, etc. Wahoo!

Church Welfare - I'm not sure how many of you would enjoy sitting across a desk from a neighbor and telling them to dump cell phones, cars, RV's, etc., to reduce monthly expenses, but I dread it. With the celestial streets paved in gold, welfare shouldn't be an issue. Although it brings up further questions: is the gold only in the Celestial Kingdom, or do all three come equally-equipped in this area, and more importantly, if a resource isn't rare anymore, is it really worth anything? But I digress...

Church Meetings - Now here's an interesting one to me. After we've 'made it' will we have to go to any Church meetings anymore? Since we'll already know everyone else's thoughts, I assume that we'll know what that person would give a talk about, before the talk is even given. I think I'm safe to say that Sunday may turn out to truly be days of rest in the hereafter. Don't get me wrong - I suppose that sitting in a chair for twelve hours every Sunday could be considered resting to a guy that works in construction, but...

Travel - There were few things that I hated more while raising my kids here on Earth than long car trips with children under five. With all the child-rearing that will be going on eternally in the netherworlds, I'm really hoping that there aren't celestial maxi-vans and that travel will be more-or-less instantaneous, like what we see on Star Trek, but with much larger teleportation pads that can facilitate a few thousand kids at a time.

In-Laws and Extended-Family Reunions - Since we're all, 'brothers and sisters,' will we still be expected to visit in-laws in the hereafter? I can't imagine having extended-family reunions either, since a gathering of tens of billions would take some massive coordination, and that doesn't even include the Neanderthals. On that note, are the Kingdoms going to be species-segregated, or will we all get lumped together? I enjoy the thought of seeing Fido again, but not so much being chased by the saber-toothed tigers and velociraptors.

So, what are the to-die-for changes that you're most looking forward to in the afterlife (other than the return of the halcyon days of polygamy)?

Angel Louis, Is That You?

As most of you know, the angel on top of the new Oquirrh Mountain Temple in South Jordan was struck by lightning this weekend and left Angel Moroni looking more like Louis Armstrong blowing a trumpet. See story and pictures here.

Well, we just received the official word from The Brethren, that this was not a sign from God, and should not be taken as such. Lightning, as it turns out, is just very attracted to large, metal objects sticking high into the sky and no judgments need to be made by its being blackened by lightning.

Our Refined 1950's Heavenly Home

Today as I was preparing for my afternoon meditation session by reading the new June 2009 Ensign, I ran across the article by Elder Douglas L. Callister (Our Refined Heavenly Home) which he previously gave as a talk at BYU and was printed in BYU Magazine.

The talk/article is about appreciation for fine art, music, literature, etc. Then comes a whole section on the importance of physical appearance, which I found extremely interesting and insightful. Here's a sampling (taken from the BYU Magazine version, which differs only slightly from the Ensign article):

"Many years ago an associate of mine decided he would please his wife by sharing with her a very specific compliment each night as he arrived home. One night he praised her cooking. A second night he thanked her for excellence in housekeeping. A third night he acknowledged her fine influence on the children. The fourth night, before he could speak, she said, “I know what you are doing. I thank you for it. But don’t say any of those things. Just tell me you think I am beautiful.”

She expressed an important need that she had. Women ought to be praised for all the gifts they possess that so unselfishly add to the richness of our lives, including their attentiveness to their personal appearance. We must not “let ourselves go” and become so casual—even sloppy—in our appearance that we distance ourselves from the beauty heaven has given us. Every man has the right to be married to a woman who makes herself as beautiful as she can be.

Some flippantly say, “How I look has nothing to do with how God feels about me.” But it is possible for both earthly parents and heavenly parents to have unspoken disappointment in their offspring without diminished love."


Elder Callister provides wisdom beyond his seventy years by painting a vivid picture of every forward-thinking man's dream:

1. The Dad is at work and his wife is at home

2. The wife is cooking and housekeeping (this one even achieved "excellence in housekeeping"!)

3. Mom influences the children for good (making up for Dad's example?)

4. Women really need to be praised for their beauty. Never mind her wit, charm, humor, intelligence, wisdom, etc. It's the beauty (and not to be confused with 'internal' beauty) that really counts. Cooking and housekeeping can come in a distant second.

5. Man has the "right" to be married to someone who makes herself as beautiful as possible. (This precious point was left out of the Ensign article)

6. God is disappointed when our beauty is not up-to-par

I'm already planning the next Young Women's activity around this eternal advice! We'd kick off the evening with a talk about man's expectations for a woman's appearance, provided by a High Priest - perhaps Brother Hamm. Please, Sisters, do not be offended if you're asked to provide an example of someone that has, "let themselves go," or is, "casual - even sloppy." It's for the good of the Young Women as they seek to present the best face possible to their future mate.

For the activity part, each Young Woman could then cook a home-made pie, and clean up afterwards. We'll invite the Priests in to judge the homemaker abilities, awarding a, "Future Homemaker of Excellance" medallion.

If there are any suggestions on what to include in this YW's activity, I'm all ears!

Sins by Proxy: Lesson in Proxy Work for the Youth

I was speaking to the youth this past Sunday on the importance we Latter Day Saints place on proxy work for the dearly departed. As some of you may have noticed, there seemed to be an overall lack of interest by the youth - even by the three who weren't texting during the whole lesson. Fortunately, at the end of the lesson I was struck by the Spirit with a novel method of teaching the great gospel principle of proxy work: Sins by Proxy!

Here's the plan. For one week starting next Sunday, the youth can commit pre-approved sins via proxy, for-and-in-behalf-of someone that now abides in the green meadows of the netherworld. It's probably best to keep this in the family, so you can personally explain this proxy lesson to them after this life.

At the end of the Sin by Proxy week, we'll start the Repentance by Proxy week, where each youth can feel the liberating warmth of proxy forgiveness as they confess the sins that were committed in another's name and help remove the burden from that poor soul's shoulders. I'm hoping that this can also take up a few sacrament meetings with testimonials from the youth about how much they learned from the experience, like we do each year after Girl's Camp (but never after Scout Camp).

For those not completely comfortable with this learning opportunity, don't worry, we can also employ Sins by Proxy by proxy! Just let me know if you're not personally comfortable performing sins by proxy, and we'll have another youth step in for you to perform the proxy sins, and then report back to you on their experience.

I have a list of suggested Sins by Proxy that the youth may want to try out, but please feel free to add others. Please remember, all sins not listed below must be pre-approved before they are committed:

Lustful thoughts

Sins of omission - Here's the chance to skip Church after sacrament meeting, and have someone else take responsibility for it (might be combined with breaking the Sabbath for a twofer).

Lying (smaller, white lies preferred)

Skipping scripture reading for the entire week

Wearing two-piece bathing suits and sunbathing in front yard (Young Women only, please)

Getting a second earring hole - just remember to remove the additional earring after the week, or The Evil One might gain a foothold

Fornicating - just kidding!

New Ward Newsletter

As many of you noticed last Sunday, we have a new Ward Newsletter that is a departure from those snooze-fests of the past. As the new Newsletter editor, Sister Farley decided to shake things up a bit, which has been met with mixed reviews of praise, and well, not so much praise. The members are mostly split by age groups in their opinions, with 60 being the magical pro-con differentiator.

Some of the feedback:

"The kids loved the dot-to-dot page revealing a picture of Job covered with lesions - very creative!" - Sister Wen

"The 'Approved New Media List' is very helpful! I hate trying to make my own decisions on products released from Satan & Co's Hollywood. However, I disagree with your inclusion of Twilight on the approved list. Anything mentioning vampires and love has to be bad news. Deseret Books recent decision to pull it from their shelves is as clear of a message as a warning straight from a GA's mouth." - Sister Gilly

"The 'Good News Corner' left me feeling very un-blessed. Where's my trip to France? I've only been 'blessed' this year with non-stop screaming twins and a ticket from my husband to Monster Truck Madness. Yippee..." - Sister Luten

"The new 'Sponsored By' section with ads from Mr. Mac, Pampers and Chevy extended-cab vans seemed weird to me." - Brother Pratt

"The 'Celestial Casserole' section for recipes is a great idea. I had no idea there were so many accepted variants of 'Shepherd's Pie.' - Sister Keils

"I hate the 'Awkward Ward Pictures' section! Who wants to see a backyard shot of Brother Hamm sunbathing while only wearing a banana hammock? Sick and wrong!" - Brother Wright

What's My Age Again?

I was reading Mark Twain's, "Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven," the other day, and it brought up some questions about the afterlife that were thought-provoking. You can read this short story online here.

One of the questions covered in the story was the age that we'll be in the here-after. Here's an excerpt from the story after Captain Stormfield asked another man, who'd been in heaven awhile, about age:

"Laws, what asses we used to be, on earth, about these things! We said we'd be always young in heaven. We didn't say HOW young - we didn't think of that, perhaps - that is, we didn't all think alike, anyway. When I was a boy of seven, I suppose I thought we'd all be twelve, in heaven; when I was twelve, I suppose I thought we'd all be eighteen or twenty in heaven; when I was forty, I begun to go back; I remember I hoped we'd all be about THIRTY years old in heaven. Neither a man nor a boy ever thinks the age he HAS is exactly the best one - he puts the right age a few years older or a few years younger than he is. Then he makes that ideal age the general age of the heavenly people. And he expects everybody TO STICK at that age - stand stock-still - and expects them to enjoy it! - Now just think of the idea of standing still in heaven! Think of a heaven made up entirely of hoop-rolling, marble-playing cubs of seven years! - or of awkward, diffident, sentimental immaturities of nineteen! - or of vigorous people of thirty, healthy-minded, brimming with ambition, but chained hand and foot to that one age and its limitations like so many helpless galley-slaves! Think of the dull sameness of a society made up of people all of one age and one set of looks, habits, tastes and feelings. Think how superior to it earth would be, with its variety of types and faces and ages, and the enlivening attrition of the myriad interests that come into pleasant collision in such a variegated society."

This raised some interesting theological questions for me regarding our beliefs in the afterlife, which seem to have some holes in certain areas like age. Will we get to choose what age we are in heaven? As it was mentioned in this story, my ideal age for heaven has changed as I've aged, and I would imagine most everybody's does. Will we all be the 35-40 years old that most pictures of the resurrected Jesus appear to have him pegged at?

Are children who pass away stuck at this early age for some time, even as we get older on Earth? Do they then start to age again after we die? Do they have any say in this matter (suppose they don't want to be stuck as a child, but would rather move into their teens and start dating)?

I'm also assuming that we follow the Patriarchal Order in Heaven, and that men get to choose the ages of their wives. Is it common to mix it up some for age variety, with a few hundred wives at each age-grouping just to keep it interesting throughout the eons? Or, does everyone default to one eternal age?

Also, how fast do spirit babies age? Do they need to go through a hard baby-spirit age, crying at night, and learning how to walk with their new little spirit legs, or are the spirits just born directly into young adulthood?

On a separate-but-related note, do spirit children require any food? I'm guessing they don't, since it'd take a lot of wet-nurses to keep the legions of spirit infants per planet fed, if the wives are having them at a break-neck rate. It'd be non-stop spirit-nursing throughout the eternities, which can't be too enjoyable for the ever-birthing mothers.

Is there further light and knowledge on this topic that I've missed, or do we just categorize this as another, 'it will work itself out, so don't worry about it,' item?

Ward Suggestion Box - First Round

Well, we've had the suggestion box up now for just over a week, so I thought I'd post what we have so far. There are some mighty-good suggestions already - and some really lame ones. You decide which are which, and add your own if you like.

Mini-refrigerator stocked with cold Mt. Dew for Elder's Quorum

A better selection of table cloths and flower arrangements for Relief Society

A, 'preferred,' calling spreadsheet where members can prioritize the callings that they'd like the Bishop to feel inspired to call them to

Home Teaching Hall-of-Shame list on the bulletin board for dead-beat HT'ers

Nose hair clipper to pass around HP Group meetings on Sunday

Nursery Upgrade

The Spirit this past Sunday night was in an especially-generous mood, and I had one of those not-too-infrequent, 'A-ha!,' moments that I thought were reserved for Stake Presidents and above.

After some work on the phone yesterday, I was able to find a sponsor for some restaurant-style beepers that will now be handed out to each parent dropping off a child in nursery. If your child is terrible, you'll feel that special tingling that only comes from the Spirit, or a restaurant vibrator. (On that note, will someone please ensure that Brother Hicks doesn't get a hold of one of these?)

Does anyone else receive an idea sometimes and think, "This is the one that may just get me called up to the Big Leagues?" Anyway, please enjoy this new convenience and remember that the Olive Garden (our sponsor) has soup, salad and delicious bread sticks as a lunch special on Thursday for only $4.99.

No More Paper Agendas

Starting this week, we will no longer be handing out printed agendas for Bishopric, PEC, Ward Council, or Ward Welfare meetings. As you know, many of the topics discussed in these meetings - like Brother Noggin's recent deer poaching arrest - are personal and confidential.

Also, I've recently had three members preemptively turn down callings after they saw their names on a list of potential candidates.

So, to ensure confidentiality and keep our system of catching people off-guard for callings intact, we're going to start using Etcha-Sketches, which will then be shaken after each meeting to clear the notes. In conjunction with this policy change, we've called Brother Hamm as the Ward agenda preparer. Hopefully he's fast with his fingers!

Ward Suggestion Box

In my ever-vigilant pursuit of perfection, I decided that we could benefit from an anonymous suggestion box. There were times as a less-high-ranking member when I would have liked to have told the Bishop how to do a better job, but couldn't out of fear of getting called into the nursery.

Well, now's your chance to make your voice count, or at least entertain us during Bishopric meetings. If you're only suggestion is that Brother Harold be given breath mints, please see Sister Grissel.

That We Could All Be Like - Satan?

During the Sunday School discussion this week, as it frequently does, the topic turned to Satan and how he's everywhere and into all our business, trying desperately to lead us astray with the help of the liberal media. Honestly, I'm not sure how Satan really made it before the age of television, movies and recorded music. Did Renaissance mothers warn their children of the evils of the lute-players and picket the gay Shakespearian actors?

All this talk about Satan led me to ponder on the subject for some time, and after waking up from my intense pondering I felt warmed by the Spirit, although it could have just been the chili. Satan remains an enigma, but here are a few of my thoughts to help build some discussion.

Let's face it, Satan is one hell of a dedicated guy, or as my mother would say, "he's been a real trooper."

For over six thousand years on earth, The Evil One has shown tireless dedication to The Plan and has played his role of opposition to perfection. Think about that - Perfection. It's been pure busting-his-hump-evil for all these thousands of years. He's had no long weekends, no vacations, and has had to serve as a role model for billions of other pathological liars, thieves, psychopaths, and pig-body-snatchers. The only real benefit I can think of is not having to worry about rising health-care costs. That we could all be so dedicated!

Over this time he's been called the worst of names: The Dragon, the Devil, the Tempter, a snake - and those are just the English names. Rumor has it that the Italians and Spaniards are much harsher. Most would have just packed it up and gone home after only a few centuries of such treatment, but not Satan. He's committed to the bitter end.

So, what's in it for Satan for playing this role perfectly for all these millennium? Eternal damnation. Yup, all this hard work and it's, "Thanks for giving us a perfect 100%, now off you go to Outer Darkness." I can't imagine what this Outer Darkness would be like, other than really crowded. We've been told that 1/3 of the pre-mortal spirits chose, for some reason, to follow The Dark Side - way before Anakin Skywalker made it hip.

Counting those that have lived on the earth, we would have to be approaching 50 billion full-time evil-doers. That's more evil spirits walking around than McDonald's has served in hamburgers. And I believe we're only counting humans here, not Neanderthals, Cro-Magnons, etc. Regardless, it's going to shoulder-to-shoulder in that Outer Darkness. Even if Satan was only to give a quick 5-second air-high-five to all these followers, it would take him over 475,000 years. I suppose there won't be much else to do in The Darkness besides gnash teeth, so all the high-fives might serve as a welcomed distraction.

Satan's also had to put up with a real drop-off in main-stream support lately. Back in the day, there were witches, demons, possessed animals, etc., all over the place. Then, people really got it together and started burning the witches. Well, sometime in the eighteenth century the interest in witchcraft as a career really fell out of favor with the ladies. These days, it's just the nuts that claim to be witches, and anyone that witnesses a body-possession is put away for their own safety. There still exists some childhood fears of monsters, but overall it seems that Satan's golden years are behind him.

Through all of this general decline in interest, Satan still keeps plugging away. Year, after year.

And just think - all Satan would have to do to completely thwart The Plan would be to sit down and do absolutely nothing. Do no evil, provide no opposition, refuse to do his part - just, do nothing at all. Within a minute, he could turn the whole Plan upside-down and really stick it to the Man. Surely I'm missing something here. It just seems too easy.

So hopefully, Satan doesn't read blogs and has more evil things to do than surf the Net. I'd hate to be held accountable for providing Satan with the idea of how to wreck The Plan and leave us to our own evil devices. It certainly didn't work out well for those Lord of the Flies kids. It'd be a dark day indeed if we had to focus on fixing ourselves instead of blaming The Evil One.

Always Feeding the Sheep,

Bishop Mike T. Young

Meetings Cancelled This Sunday

Thanks to young Susie Millsap, we all get a weekend free of meetings. This picture from Susie's Tuesday visit to Thanksgiving Point surfaced just today, after Susie had played with six other kids from the Ward, who are now all quarantined to be tested for swine flu.

Let this be a lesson to you all - heavy petting can have serious consequences.

Bishop Young

Specialty Wards

Typically, the only way Mormons can move Wards is to physically move a block or more down the street (or farther, for non-Utahans). Well, let's face it, not everyone loves the Ward their currently assigned to and might enjoy the freedom of attending a Ward that speaks more to their lifestyle. Currently, you'd have to be deaf, Spanish-speaking, or single to opt-out of your assigned Ward and attend another Ward. I'd like to suggest that we could broaden our Church's appeal by offering more specialized Wards and boost our now-decreasing new convert rate in the U.S. A few Specialty Wards that I've thought of are:

Entrepreneur's Ward (a.k.a MLM-Ward) - Love to chat-up all your Ward members about your latest foray into the elusively-lucrative home business world of ridiculously-priced berry juice? Do you believe that MLM's are God's divine plan for stay-at-home Mom's to make extra money, at the expense of your friends and neighbors? This Ward is for you! Sunday School lessons could be designed around current marketing trends of little-known Polynesian berries and the nutritional values of different herbal cocktails.

Fundamentalist Ward - Membership requirements might include a concealed weapons permit or Ham radio operators license. Lessons would alternate between emergency preparedness, the divine mission of the Republican Party, and discussions about the time on Kolob relative to the Earth.

Full-size Van or Suburban Ward - Minimum 7 kids - Should be a real popular option in Utah Valley! Senior citizens would also be encouraged to attend this Ward to balance out the teaching needs in the four Primaries.

Happy Ward - A Ward where single, male florists and home decorators might feel at home.

Polynesian Wards - Free from ethnic requirements, it would be more of a Polynesian-culture ward. Men can wear comfortable lava-lavas in the summer and shirts without a tie, plus there's a big potluck BBQ each Sunday after services. The only down-side is all the speakers expecting a returned, 'Aloha!' at the beginning of each talk.

Late Arrival Wards - Although, I suppose the meetings might never start, or have to be reduced to just 1 1/2 hours, since people would show up late, knowing that the meetings are starting late, at least those that make it to Church on time can have some peace.

PDoA Ward - In addition to mother/nursing rooms, there would be a few rooms with army-style cots for those who can't wait three hours between conjugal visits and 'laying on of hands'

Personally, I'd like to be the Bishop of the RV Ward. Membership requirements would include owning an RV or travel trailer, a minimum of two off-road vehicles, and at least one watercraft.

Any other suggestions to add, before this inspiration is passed up to The Brethren?

Practicing the Law of Consecration

With the bad economic times that we're experiencing, I've had several inquiries concerning the Law of Consecration and the United Order. I've always lumped the United Order in with polygamy as odd practices of the early Church that no one was really excited about bringing back. Although, there's always been this lingering idea that at some point both might be put back into active use.

So, while we're waiting for the call to pack up and head east to Missouri, I thought it wouldn't hurt to at least get a taste of practicing the Law of Consecration (we're going to hold off on polygamy for now). In the true spirit of the United Order, those that have been blessed in abundance can share their blessings with those that have not been righteous enough to have received the same bounteous blessings.

Starting Memorial Day weekend (May 22nd), the practice of the Law will begin with the availability of the following:

Four 2008 Skidoo jet skis - Arrange pick up times with Brother or Sister Morgan

One 2007 ski boat and trailer - Coordinate with the Hunsaker's - truck not provided.

RV and two dirt bikes (250cc) - Schedule with Brother Mortensen - don't forget to top off the gas before returning!

Town home in St. George - Just give the Peterson's a call to book your time

That should be a good start. If any of you have other suggestions for items that you'd like to see added to the practice, just let me know. I'm looking forward to a summer of increased brotherly love, communality , and great tans. We'll discontinue the practicing of the Law of Consecration after Labor Day weekend (September 7th).

Always Thinking of You,

Bishop Mike T. Young

Monthly Message, or Massage?

I have to give props to Brother Hicks - being a newer member of the Church isn't always easy. There are so many concepts to learn and he's trying his best to fulfill all of his commitments. As a High Priest, he was asked to home teach a couple of older single Sisters. However, there seems to have been a misunderstanding in this responsibility.

Brother Hicks came well-prepared for the visits with baby oil and a couple of towels. After a friendly introduction, he got right to business delivering the monthly massage, much to the initial surprise and shock of the Sisters. Not to mention his young companion, Bobby Miller. Brother Hicks just figured that the surprises resulted from lack of consistent visits in the past, and assured the Sisters that he was prepared and willing to deliver every month.

Now, when I first heard about this, I was struck with fear that these Sisters would not be coming back to Church, or they would file formal charges against Brother Hicks - but it's been the exact opposite. Not only have the Sisters expressed their thanks for their new Home Teacher's enthusiasm, but I've now had four other single Sisters (and two not-so-single Sisters) request Brother Hicks as their Home Teacher.

Brother Harris, on the other hand, requested to not have Brother Hicks visit him anymore.

Keep up the good work, Brother Hicks!

Sins of Omission

I've been asked several times in my still-short tenure as Bishop about sins of omission. These sins are typically less grievous than sins of commission, but can be serious just the same. Remember, "All that is needed for evil to triumph is for the good people to do nothing." So, you can sin doing the wrong thing. You can sin by doing the right thing at the wrong time. Or, you can sin by doing nothing at all. Basically, most people can safely assume that they're sinning in some form about 90% of the time (99% of the time for senior executives at AIG). However, these sins do not generally need to be confessed.

Here are a few examples to serve as a guide:

Forgot to have daily family scripture study, forgot daily family prayer, didn't have weekly FHE, didn't pay tithing, forgot to keep the Sabbath day holy, didn't love thy neighbor - sins of omission

Didn't home teach or visit teach for a month - on the line, after three months it definitely becomes a sin of omission

Failing to visit the sick and elderly - Yup - sins of omission, unless the elderly smell like mildew

Hiding from Brother Hams after sacrament meeting to avoid his hugging - not a sin of omission

Knocking doors lightly as a missionary hoping the inhabitants don't hear - maybe a sin of omission

Not passing out a Book of Mormon to the traveler sitting peacefully beside you on a airplane listening to an iPod - not a sin

Get to know the Ward Newbies

Please join me in raising the right hand of fellowship to the Nelson family! They’ve moved to our Ward from Ephraim after an outbreak of the avian tape worm wreaked havoc on their turkey farm. John Nelson and his wife Eileen are parents to Samuel, Salomon, Sariah, Sampson, Sarah, Saul, Sadie, and Sage.

Ummm, perhaps someone could quietly hint to Brother Nelson that the Earth is now sufficiently replenished? Any more multiplying should be limited to their pets.

New Nursery Equipment!

I’ll admit to a reality – when selecting members for Ward Nursery Leaders, we take what we can get. We start with high-hopes, but after the normal turn-downs, we end up with people who just cave to the pressure of authority. Typically, the percentage of members turning down this calling is about 4x that of the second least-popular calling of the Ward: Gospel Doctrine teacher.

With the unpopularity of the Nursery in mind, I’ve received approval from the Stake to install some new playground equipment right in the Nursery room. Moms, instead of trying to perform stealth get-aways, only to hear your child screaming when they turn around and don’t see you there – they’ll run to the Nursery! You have to admit - every once in a while, the Spirit helps me come up with a really great idea.

To help pay for the nursery equipment Brother Grissel has offered to donate his time performing lip waxings (Sisters only) for only $10 ($25 for Sister Canter). Additionally, Sister Grissel will be teaching a class this Tuesday night at 7pm at the Church on creative jello sculptures – just $15!

Fundamentalist Self-Check

Within the diverse LDS culture there are varying degrees of beliefs and practices. One classification that Mormons can fall under is, 'fundamentalist.' While it may be that this classification normally infers some multi-wife practices, that's not the only way to reach this level of 'commitment.'

So, for those of you wondering whether, or not, you might be viewed by Gentiles as a fundamentalist, I decided to create the following self-check list of items. Generally, if you can answer to the affirmative on greater than three of the following, chances are, you'd be considered a fundamentalist (among other things) by those that know you:

You actually use the word, 'Gentile,' under any circumstance other than reading directly from the Bible.

When reading last summer about the raid on the FLDS compound in Texas, did you find yourself thinking, "Those poor men. Why can't the government just get off their backs and leave them alone!"

Do you have a five year supply of food, water, fuel, and ammo in a backyard bunker?

Do you have a license to operate a HAM radio? 1/2 pt. if you even know what a HAM radio is.

Do you have a concealed-weapons permit, or even believe it's a right to carry a handgun to Church?

Does your van still sport the bumper sticker, "Bo Gritz - God, Guns, and Gritz!"

As a Scout Master, did you feel that the Wilderness Survival merit badge should include a 10-day survival trial by the Scout, instead of just one night?

Do you have trouble sleeping at night at the thought of your graduating child attending the increasingly-liberal BYU, instead of continuing their home schooling?

You'd rather talk about a New World Order than listen to New Order

Do you refuse to engage in loud laughter and look down your nose at those who do?

You sincerely believe that no man has yet to walk on the moon and no man shall ever do so.

Postum and hot chocolate are against the word of wisdom because they are "hot drinks."

And the big one - You're convinced that Polygamy will indeed make a glorious comeback, and you've already picked out a few eligible young ladies to proposition?

Do you have any further additions to the list? Please share in the comments!

Your always loving,

Bishop Mike T. Young

Ward YM/YW Activities Calendar

I know the youth will be as excited as I am when they see these fantastic upcoming activities! Ah, to be a youth again...

Tuesday, April 28th
Deacons - Rock climbing at The Quarry - Don't forget permission slips!
Teachers - Ice fishing at Scofield Reservoir - leaving at 3pm- need permission slips
Priests - Night skiing at Brighton - Also need permission slips

Young Women - Combined activity: Quilt tying basics taught by Sister Lowe (a great skill to have in such tough times!)

Tuesday, May 5th
Deacons - Marksmanship at the Provo indoor gun club - Don't forget permission slips
Teachers - Swimming merit badge at the Springville pool
Priests - Indoor Laser Tag in Provo - Need to bring those permission slips again

Young Women - Combined for guest speaker Sister Carter from the SF 388th Ward, "Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts Unceasingly"

I can just feel the excited anticipation in the air. The only downside of having so many great activities is trying to decide which group to spend my valuable time with.